I am glad I came in to see you today, even if for such a short time.
You looked very beautiful, and I think the pink sweater you were
wearing tonight looked very good on you…no buttons, it draped your
body so subtly. I love watching you work, especially when you would
reach into the oven to check the food, (another reason why I liked
that sweater so much, every time you reached up for something, it
would show just enough of your hips and skin underneath…very
attractive!) : )
Earlier you mentioned that you wished you hadn't told me about Hao.
You've said that to me before, after hearing my reaction to how he
treats you. It is a very fine line for me to tread, to be an impartial
listener and shoulder, and at the same time being someone who is
intimately in love with you. In fact, I am glad that you tell me those
things, and I like that you feel you can share that aspect of your
life with me. I don't ever want you to hold anything back from me, and
I pray I will always be a confidant to you. Please understand my anger
in him…I have very strong feelings about how men should treat women,
and it is something that is so ingrained in me that for me to accept
his behavior is virtually impossible. I was raised to respect your
partner, and even to my own detriment I have succeeded in doing so.
That is not to say that I haven't been angry at certain women that I
shared my life with, but becoming physical with them is a weakness I
could never give in to. I hate knowing that he treats you that way,
even though I know you are the stronger of the two of you.
Seeing you can sometimes be so challenging for me. I completely agree
with you that the more I see you, the more I want to see you.
Sometimes I wish that Hao would catch us together, so that I wouldn't
have to feel like I am hiding my affection for you. I see the love I
have for you as a living thing, and keeping a living thing covered up
and suffocated isn't healthy…I try to be as patient as I can be, but I
long for you so much…I love how I feel around you, hearing you laugh,
seeing you smile. To be open and honest about those feelings would
feel so good…so free.
(Do you know how badly I wish for just a night with you? To be able to
hold you, whisper in your ear, feel your skin? To watch and listen as
you fell gently asleep? To listen to you breathe, to hear your voice?
One night wouldn't be nearly enough, but every time I fall asleep, I
wish my sleep and dreams would be filled with those thoughts, those
feelings…)
Anyway, I hope I get to see you tonight, when you close. I feel so
selfish for wanting you so much. Sometimes I day-dream about
you…running off for a weekend on the coast, staying in bed all day,
enjoying each others company, bathing together, holding each other,
cooking together, walking, holding hands, traveling, smiling and
laughing, all the things that other lovers in the world get to enjoy
so frequently. I know you aren't the type that thinks about those
things, and I wonder if they can ever happen…sometimes I will drift
off to sleep thinking about those things. Sometimes I fall asleep
thinking I am more of a romantic than I should be. Probably true,
especially the last year or so.
I should get back to the rest of the letter I was originally writing
to you, though in reading it I wonder if it should ever be sent…
I love you Jen..I REALLY do...
The sweater was a Christmas gift from Anna and I like it too. I normally don't like bright-colored clothes, but hot pink is the exception. I didn't realize that when I reach up, it shows my skin though:(.
I used to dream about my marriage life, but I stopped dreaming long ago. I don't see many good marriages in real life. House chores and busy life style wear people out, and eventually the love faded away. There is no romance anymore. But that might because most Chinese of my generation were not raised up to be romantic. We couldn't afford to. The younger generations are much better though.
My best friend here once told me that her husband never said anything good about her. She is skinny, yet whenever she trys new clothes, her husband would say she looks fat. He never compliments on anything she does. Her parents' marriage has always been a mess so she didn't have high expection about marriage. She chosed her husband only because she believed he would make a good husband - dependable and capable. She didn't expect comassion or romance from him. He is a good husband, but he is cold and remote by my standard. Sometimes I think he doesn't even love her because he doesn't even appreciate her. She is content with her marriage, only wish that he could care about her more.
She is not alone. But I always want something more. I need love in marriage, yet, I am in a marriage that I cannot offer love.
That is why I can tolerate a lot from Hao. I should take the responsiblity of getting into this marriage with him. He is the one who doesn't get the love by marring me...I guess I am just not lucky enough to have a good husband. If he were a good husband, I guess I would have been happier, or even started to love him.
I don't know what will happen next. But nothing can upset me too much anymore...
