上午上班的时候,大家都问我那个病人怎么回事情,我觉得很羞愧因为我只能说,i didn't run to the code, 那种自责和羞愧就一直笼罩着我,虽然我的住院医生什么都没说,但是我知道我的行为一定让他失望了。
中午我们就开始不停地收病人,我和住院医生都没有吃中饭,一个接一个地看病人,分析病情,下医嘱。下午的时候主治医生过来了,我需要向他present我们收的病人,但是脑子里乱哄哄的,很多信息拼不到一起,最后assessment and plan的时候,我几乎说不出什么了,只是重复着一两个可能性。attending睁着灰蓝色的大眼睛,静静地看着我,一个月的培训,他耐心的指导,我还是只能做到这样,一种失望自暴自弃的感觉不可遏止地控制了我。attending注意到了我的异样,说are you OK?我点点头说是的。
新病人不断地来,我的拷机不断地响, ICU的,病房的,药房的,忽然门诊电话给我,说门诊有病人,我才想起来,今天下午我还有门诊。住院医生让我先去门诊,我拿着笔记本电脑匆匆赶去门诊,一个我从来没看过的,上届毕业的住院医生的老病人,已经等了很久了,nurse很不开心,我知道自己没有借口,just simply forgot。等到我匆匆浏览了所有的病人病史,敲开诊断间的门,却看见一个医学生已经在看了。我去了门诊staff的办公室,他说因为病人等久了,他们就让医学生去看了。staff说,please never forget your patient.我道了谦,跟他说我今天on call,他说我可以先去忙了,今天我只有一个病人。
提着电脑走回急诊室的路上,我的情绪低落到了极点, feels like I can't achieve anything, so cluelss。其他intern好像都很organized,该干什么就干什么,从容不迫,好像只有我天天忙来忙去,却还是纰漏百出。
You will be fine because you do care the patients!
commit 发表评论于
Hey big girl, good job! You are an amazing person with a big heart. Frustrations and challenges can only make your stronger and more determined. Clean all the negative thoughts from your head, focus on the areas you need to improve upon. Remember, you are setting the limit for the followers like me. I truly admire your courage, sense of humor. Wish you best luck and totally believe in you.
也是猫猫 发表评论于
jiejie, come here,
give you a big hug......
流水浮萍 发表评论于
Go conquer, brave gal, sky is the limit for you.
Never minded your whining, in fact greatly admire your courage for putting yourself in a fish bowl and self-deprecatingly parsing through your mistakes. Takes a lot of courage to do that, as most of us who make mistakes would never want to mention it to a living soul. Being open, trusting and humble are good virtues to keep, and you have them all.
落花飘零 发表评论于
thank you tabby, i am really happy to have you as my friend during these years, I wish we can go through our residency beautifully together.
tabby 发表评论于
Sometimes what you think of yourself is not necessarily how others think of you. It does not always correlate. And the fact you are very conscious about everything is because you do care about your work and want to do a good job.
Before I started, I once said to a secretary that new interns look fine working on the floor. And she said they just look fine but deep inside they are thinking "oh my god, how am I going to survive this job? Did i do everything right?" She's been in program for 15+ years. She told me everyone looks fine when they first start but they all feel horrible.
You will be fine and I have faith in you!!!
落花飘零 发表评论于
:((( typed a lot, but lost when i tried to .
tabby, i went to eat after i wrote this, that's why i was not online. i can understand your friend's crying, i am not suprised at all. what most bothers me is the feeling of being the weakest among my intern peer, i could not help comparing myself with them, and get more frustrated and anxious. the only way to correct it is to study more, work more and grow up more quickly. this is so called silly bird flies first? hehe. i just bought some books, including harrison principle and some other books, really need to catch up.
流水浮萍,thank you, i will work hard and stop whinning, i am actually very lucky to have patient resident and attending, all i need to do is to absorb the information as quick as i can.
damao, long time no see! i miss columbus, don't forget to go Yao's kitchen on 10th street, i miss there, also the nice parks.
wuximm, is that you and your kid? hehe. you are right, i should be there during the code, i feel terribly guilty. it won't happen again. i don't think i criticized myself too much, compared to my league, i have a lot to learn. i will try to be patient and stay strong. thank you.
拥抱阳光,i like this name. thank you for reading and leaving the sweet messages here. I harvest a huge amount of encouragement from my blog, maybe we will never meet in real world, but you and other friends are part of my spritual life, you cannot even imagine how important this blog means to me. therefore, no need to thank me for writing, because I gain much more than I give here.
大皇,i hope so, tomorrow i am on call, my last call in my first month, hopefully everything finishes smoothly.
黄大皇 发表评论于
This is just one of the days that not yours. It happens to everybody. Tomorrow will be your day!
拥抱阳光 发表评论于
It is so nice to see people here are encouraging each other for the same great american dream to come true.
I have been reading your blog for quite a while and I really like your sharing of experience about the way to become a doctor here. Every chinese person here all experience lots of frustrations. I know what a simple encouragement means to me especially when there is nobody to rely on. I can see you're growing up through your writings. Comments by the friends here also encourage me a lot!
I just know that you are already a very good resident. But we always need improvement to achieve our dream. I believe you can do it, so firmly!
不是中文谚语翻译的。
put your head down,我的理解是专心做事情,不要想太多,一般会说put your head down and get your job done.
stay foolish and stay hungry是苹果公司老板steve jobs在2005年斯坦福毕业典礼上说的,我的理解是stay foolish so you are eager to learn, stay hungry, so you are eager to eat,说的是一种工作态度。在那个典礼上面他因为宣扬读书无用论+说粗口被人赶下台,轰动一时。
I can palpate your pain today. I see myself in your shoes again. Hospital always call for code and you hope it is not one of your patients, so you can finish your work. They should call code with location so that you know for sure if it is yours. Code situation is very intense and they usually have plenty of helps, but it would be nice if you were there to show your moral support for your resident and it is also important for you to get used to the situation. Forget your clinic day, it is understandable and remember it next time. I think you should not overly blame yourself. This is my experiences, American born residents never admit any wrong doing even it is obvious and always blame somebody else's fault. So, they can mentally get over with quickly, while we tend to blame ourself too much, so that affect our performance. If you really feels bad, tell your resident in good day and he will understand. Anyway, no harm has been done, one clinic pt wait a little bit longer, so what, it happens. One didn't survive the code. What is the statistics of pt in hospitals survive the code? less than 10%, among that 10%, how many ever will walk out hospital?
I consider you a very responsible, self disciplined and hard working resident. You criticized yourself way too much. Easy on yourself, you will drastically improve soon. Hug!
I saw myself. My supervisor always think I'm talented but I just kept disappointing him. I knew my problem but I didn't know how to solve it. Until he left my company I realized what I should do. I wish I knew this before his leaving.
Talk to your attending, ask for his true opinion and discuss how to improve. You need a better plan and better attitude, just like you said, you need to be organized, otherwise your advantage of strong knowledge would be covered by those "small mistakes" which are not "small" at all.
I can see you are in a bad cycle now, mistakes make you feel bad and stressed, then you lose your motivation, look for short cut and later on make more mistaks.
The only thing which can drag you out of this cycle and relax yourself is to make some progress in your work.
Always feel stressed is not good, it makes you always feel you need relax and be comforted. Forget about stress, don't look for shortcut, do whatever you supposed to do.
Put your head down, stay foolish and stay hungry, this is so true.