3/5 星期一 II

一片混沌之中。。。

周日一夜未眠。在网上闲逛的时候，看到一张照片，照片里的人像极mario，这并不要紧，最最吸引我视线的是他左手无名指上的戒指！那一刻我的感觉是freaked out，回想起来，好像从来没有问过mario是否已婚，想当然的assuming he is single。Totally freaked out, 我反复把那张照片放大缩小得看来看去，越看越觉得是mario，然后彻底抓狂，我需要立即知道答案，我没有耐心，我坐立不安！他是否已婚，这不是point，point是，他是否一直试图隐瞒事实。爱不爱，这是感情问题，不能勉强，但对我说谎，这是侮辱我的智商，不可原谅。I was supposed to finish my resume as soon as possible, but I couldnt stop thinking about that picture, and all the issues related, it driving me crazy.

清晨11点，我已经疲倦不堪，收到Mario的短信，我立刻把我想了无数遍的问题发了出去。很久，回信，他说他已经离婚，是一段非常短暂的婚姻i，所以从未提起；我又问了数次whether he is totally clear with that，他回答yes, yes, yes...我相信他现在没有处于婚姻状态，但是有些部分，他没有完全讲实话，I am a very logical person, he cant fool me with logics, I just know. I told him, if there is something wrong, warn me before I fall, 我想我说得已经非常明确了，Mario回答，希望保持现有的状态，我以为，I pushed on this, the balance broke, we either went ahead, or totally done, but now the situation was getting into a very weird balanced level. 我和Mario好像买大白菜一样，对我们的关系讨价还价，为了避免我走极端，means totally done，Mario愿意让步the leadership in our f buddies relationship. 我没有想象中的那么难过，很快就进入角色，为自己争取更大“利益”而交涉，其实这样对我也是一种解脱，我可以重新进入dating cycle，而完全无需内疚，mentally relieved. 我们最终达成协议，在lover or nothing之间，建立一种不稳定的平衡，f buddies, Mario said he would be as sweet as usual, I thought he was retarded to say that, to keep this work, we both have to be cool, fuck that sweet! 一瞬间，我觉得，Mario智商没我高，斗狠耍COOL也比不过我，then what I like about this guy except his performance in bed??? LOL!

Anyway, 和Mario过招后，我的下一个“对手”是recruiting公司。我穿着黑色西裤，配了双极其艳红的Jimmy Choo鞋，负责和我谈话的是个日本女人，很温柔的样子，且怀孕中。她很详细的问我的职务经历，我昨晚在精神恍惚中匆忙写成的resume实在有够糟，看样子要全部重新写；有时候她问得太过具体，我实在记不得2年前的每一天都做了什么，觉得自己好像失忆症一样，made myself look retarded. 讲了一个小时，然后又换一个老外进来，估计是为了确定真实的英文水准，说实话，用英文讲比日文容易多了，我已经对我N个朋友explained why i wanna change job in english, so i even didnt need time to think. Btw, this guy was quite cute, tall, good looking, a little weird accent, but definitely american, his name is Sean. Sean asked me why i wanna change job, I said, "you wanna know the true reason, or the right reason?" He laughed, "you can be honest with us, its not like the interview by the firm which is considering to hire you." Then I told him the true reason, my retarded boss, and cheap company, of cos, I didnt mention the ass fucker part, didnt want people misunderstand that I was against gays. Sean asked, "anything more?" I gave him the look, which said "this is not bad enough???" "Yeah, more than 80% for this 2 reasons, I totally understand", Sean got my look. Anyway, after 20 mins waiting in that damn humid meeting room, and I was starving like hell, finally the japanese lady showed up, with some companies information. She thought I could apply for those positions according to my experiences and the requirements of those companies, but after all, I need to write a new version resume, which braggs my skills and experiences more to attract those companies, that is the pain in the ass.

回家的路上，想重新考虑一下和Mario的协议，结果在电车上睡着。下车后，风雨交加，本想酝酿一下悲哀的情绪，结果耗时许久，也挤不出一滴眼泪，只好恨恨的骂了几遍F word。人家都说“爱如潮水”，我的爱，或许应该说，affection，如自来水，说来就来，说走就走，连个伤心的场面都凑不出来，或许是因为我对Mario的感情还不够深切，Thank God!!!

relationship, career, 一切都有一种百废待兴的感觉，a fresh start is always good, 我觉得有更多的可能性和希望在前面。