一个挣扎的灵魂在路上

当时是酒后随意写下的'漫记'。用的是英文。15个月过去，自己感觉到心情已经和当时不一样了，好象平和了不少，知道随遇，知道惜缘。心情不一样了所以不想用中文重写，偷偷懒。当时写得随意，任意识流动，想想不做任何改动为好。最近走廊的相关话题促使俺把它贴上来。
或有有缘者读之。

西行漫记(3): A lonely Christmas

This is the end of 2005; I decided to go away for the Christmas, from School, from Dublin, from people I know. Well, just a decision.

Yes, I do have alternatives: Beatriz invited me to spend Christmas with her and her husband, Gabriel, mostly for religious reason; FB invited me to join his family for Christmas, mostly for business reason; Danny wanted me to go for lunch with her and Patrick, for their memories of Harbin; Liyan asked me to dinner and Poker in her place, mostly for friendship reason. Also, AMG called from London saying that I was in his mind and wished me a happy Christmas.

I am now the only guest in a hotel in Salthill, Galway; even the manager left for a family dinner in his mother’s. From watching TV, I realised that Christmas is basically for warmth and love, both of which must be very essential for humans. That’s why in this world we have, besides business networks, societies, families, and religions, all the means organizing individuals together. It cannot be unconditional love and warmth, I am sure. To be close, people share the same believes or interests: you hand over some freedom in trade of warmth, closeness, and love.

“We are on the one road,
share the one load,
we are on the road to God knows where.
we are on the one road,
it may be the wrong road,
but we are together
now who cares!”
Wolfe Tones is singing, On the one road.
Oh, So great to have an organization of whatsoever a name!

Unfortunately, I have serious difficulties to join the club-I cherish the freedom of exploring and learning. Come on, I am not crazy, just a person who had made a different choice.

I swam in Dublin Bay for Charity on Christmas day 2003, my first Christmas in a Catholic country. This year, I just did it again, 20 minutes ago in the Atlantic at Galway Bay. Now I’m writing this after drinking whiskey while sitting in the hot tub.

This morning during my seaside walk at around 10 o’ clock, I saw only two swimmers, one of which an ardent and pleasant lady. Then very quickly more people gathered at Blackrock diving point (there is a Blackrock in Galway, also a ‘Seapoint’ too!). I quickly ran back to hotel to put my swimming suit on inside. I joined the crowd at Blackrock, the water was a little bit deeper and colder for me, not yet a good swimmer, so I dipped into it 3 times, swam a little each time, without staying long inside. The sea is cold and vast; So is nature, or universe to human beings’ eyes, I guess. So being alone is not a comfortable situation.

I don’t have a warm home here, nor can I share God’s love with my neighbours. That doesn’t mean that I am living a miserable life. I simply need to be creative: I prepared a little bottle of Jameson Whiskey, it helped me to get warm quickly after swimming; I had a hot bath also. I called my dearest one telling him that I had been to the sea so he asked whether I had taken a few pictures. I remember once I saw a film about how important that children should hold the faith on the existence of Santa Claus. I agree, because otherwise, oh simply look at me!
… …
It's 5:45 pm now. I just had a nice long walk around Galway and corrected a few grammar mistakes I made in writing the above notes (must be the alcohol!). I walked from up Salthill to River Corrib, crossed Wolfe Tone Bridge, (there is a huge grassland and football pitch), and walked back along the sea. I saw a wonderful sunset on the Atlantic-people at the other side of world must be having a sunrise then. The sun looked so so so big: about 3 times as big as what we see most of the times. It was so beautiful with the pink clouds, the blue sky, and shining ocean. OK, I know the sun looked big and mild because of the characterastics of the air at that moment--the light is scattered. Still I enjoyed the beautiful scenery. Miracles do exist in this world, independent to how you DECIDE to see them. I might even name what motivates my pursuit of knowledge and defines my happiness 'The God'! Then I would be among the most religious humans, in fact, I am actually an ardent priest! Being 'religious' in this way still cannot give me warmth and the feeling of belonging, around most people, can it?

“So, love everybody but trust only the few
as the world you go traveling through---

I have no wife to bother me life,
no love to prove untrue,
The whole day long I love the sun
and paddle my own canon…”

The Wolfe Tones are singing again while I am finishing this little note to myself and whoever will read it in future. I do love everybody so most of the times I am not lonely at all. I know that most people see me as a good person, a really nice or even lovely one, only somewhat crazy. Ha!

No, no, you got me wrong— I don't feel that I am superior, not to any extent. I am mature enough to feel humble but I also know I have to be strong. We are humans, no better or worse, only decisions.

Anno Santo Hotel, Salthill, Galway, Ireland
December 25, 2005

注:
1。圣诞节的当天下海游泳可能是爱尔兰当地的有些宗教色彩的习俗。近些年宗教意义淡化了，更象是冬泳爱好者的一个活动。而冬泳爱好者以老年人居多。有为慈善募捐的且有成为主流的趋势。2003年俺考虑下海，BRP的秘书Joy O‘Hara主动提出她负责宣传和收钱，俺只管游泳就行。她设计了PPT，很有表现力，说中国女士将挑战Irish Sea， 所筹集善款将捐给某儿童医院。圣诞节还没到就有捐款每天进来，有俺认识的也有不认识的，好象很轰动的样子。系里的长者也有劝俺慎重从事，说俺是’crazy girl‘！嘿，太晚啦，骑虎难下啦！俺就去了。这里所记的是05年那次。回来后见Joy 兴高采烈地抱着收钱盒子，俺们把钱捐出去时特有成就感！实话说，太冷了，俺再也不多干了。

2。刚刚过去的这个圣诞节，俺是和朋友们在酒吧过的，听着当地民歌，狂饮高歌！
3。明年，俺会在南半球的海滩上过一个温暖的圣诞节。
4。圣诞节对俺之所以如此特别，就是因为到处都关闭，没处可去，俺只能自己整点儿疯狂滴！