zt: When Kids Want Discipline

Strange but true: Sometimes they act up because they're hoping you'lllay down the law. Ways to do it right Ever heard your kid say, "Hey, Mom, I'd really like you to send me tomy room"? Of course not. But that's because "discipline" isn't the sameas "punishment." The best kind of discipline is more akin to teaching:showing our children how we expect them to behave in the world. Clearrules -- and parents who stick to them -- are what a child needs inorder to feel secure. Here's when your child is actually begging you toset him straight: Battling over bedtime Why your child wants discipline: Young kids don't have the willpower togive up something seemingly fun (staying up late) for something goodfor them (more sleep). But their little bodies crave dependable sleepcycles. Your child wants you to teach her how to calm herselfconsistently at night. What to do: Give her a little control. It might sound backward, whenwhat you're trying to do is discipline. But if your child has somepower (or thinks she does), it'll actually help her follow the rulesthat matter most. You may be dying for a chance to flop down in front of a grown-up TVshow for the first time all day, but resist the urge to bark orders:"Brush teeth! Put on jammies! Into bed! Now!" Instead, insist on abedtime that you name, but get there in a way that your child chooses.Options like "Do you want to put on your jammies or brush your teethfirst?" help guide her through her night routine and allow her to starttaking more responsibility. A poster with pictures of each nighttime ritual is great for keepingkids as young as 2 1/2 on track and well-behaved at bedtime. You maystill need to cue your child to take each step by asking her thingslike "What do you do after you take your bath?" but she's likely tospend less time battling the road to bedtime if you seem more like aguide than a drill sergeant. Melting down in public Why your child wants discipline: It may look like he's just being abrat, but there's more going on here. Young children lack impulsecontrol. If yours wants you to buy him a special snack while you'reshopping and you say no, he honestly doesn't know how to shut off thatreally strong feeling of want. "He's crying out for you to teach him two things: how to deal withdisappointment in a socially acceptable way and what to do with hisintense desire for the treat," says Sharon Silver, founder of theCalifornia Bay Area coaching firm ProActive Parenting. What to do: Break the cycle by leaving the store. As calmly as you can,ask a checker or the store manager to watch your cart while you takeyour child outside. Sit with him on the curb or in your car, and say,"I'll be ready to listen when you stop crying." (Keep a book ormagazine in your car. It might take a few minutes.) Once your child is calm, help him think through what went wrong, ratherthan lecture: "Why did we leave the store? How do we look at things ina store, with our hands or with our eyes?" This is what makes itdiscipline -- you don't cave, but you do teach your kid a little lesson-- rather than punishment. After you go back inside, help your child handle those irresistible,wiggle-in-the-grocery-cart material desires: Tell him that today is forfamily shopping and that he'll be able to pick out a treat when it's aspecial occasion for him. Together, you can list what those might be --birthday, last day of school -- for extra distraction. The lesson for your child is about limits: We'll come back to your"wants" at a more appropriate time; you don't call the shots bythrowing a tantrum. Squabbling at a playdate Why your child wants discipline: Little kids are just learning how toplay with their peers, and even half an hour can be a long time forthem. Your child doesn't have the social grace to say, "Hey, I'm alittle pooped right now. Anyone mind if we continue this get-togetheranother time?" By grabbing toys or bursting into tears over herfriend's choice of block color, she's not purposely trying to bedifficult. She's telling you, in the only way she knows how, that sheneeds your help. What to do: Give her the words to describe how she's feeling -- or tell her, if necessary, that her behavior is not okay. You can say to your child, "It looks like you're tired of playing withthat toy. Let's try the blocks over here." Or help her calm down byputting her on your lap and quietly reading a book together. If your daughter does something like bop her pal on the head with adoll, saying "We don't hurt other people" is enough. If you're atsomeone else's house and decide to end the playdate, don't lecture yourtoddler. She's learning by your example: When her behavior gets out ofhand, it's time to go home. She may be relieved to get back home to herown toys and routines. You might call this common sense. But guess what? It's also a positive form of discipline. Talking back to grown-ups Why your child wants discipline: Kids can't help trying out words andways of talking they've overheard from friends. Believe it or not,though, they want you to teach them how far they can go -- to set theboundaries of acceptable talk. So ungrit your teeth and consider sassytalk a plea for disciplinary guidelines: "Can I talk like this togrown-ups? Will you let me?" Your answer (in more helpful words, ofcourse) will be: "No way, buddy!" Kids also want to be reassured that adults are different fromplaymates, that they can't speak to you the same way they would toanother child. Respectful talk implies that adults are in charge, whichmeans your child feels safe and doesn't have to guess about how tobehave. What to do: Insist that your child use polite words, even if he has torepeat the sentence three or four times to get it right. Some lifelessons are like multiplication tables: They require constantrepetition before they sink in. That means you've got to resist the urge to snap back, "Don't you daretalk to me that way!" That's only showing him you think that kind oftalk is effective, says Elizabeth Pantley, a parenting educator andauthor of The No-Cry Discipline Solution. "Instead, squat down to yourchild's level, look him in the eye, and calmly but firmly say, 'I'dlike you to try again. How about 'Mom, I really want to play a bitlonger on the playground,'" suggests Pantley. If you can comply with his now-polite request, do so. Otherwise, say,"I hear you and I know what you want. But we don't have time to staytoday. It's time to leave." If your child mouths off to another adult, take him aside and give himthe words to apologize. Remember: He's a rookie in the art of politeconversation. If he refuses to change his words, offer the apologyyourself, and talk to your child later about how you expect him tospeak to adults. Breaking rules with a buddy Why your child wants discipline: Children -- especially very young ones-- don't do well with peer pressure. They need you, the adult, to helpenforce the house rules. And once your child's 5 or so, she'll berelieved to know she can use you as her excuse to get out of stuff shedoesn't want to do ("That's against our rules -- my mom will just makeus clean up"). It's a chance to teach your child how to handle peerpressure so she'll be ready when she's older and the stakes are higher,says Pantley. What to do: Channel your inner actress and try to remain calm whiletelling the kids you're unhappy about, say, the way they've colored onthe wall. It's tough, no doubt about it. It's tempting to flip when youknow your child knows better, but it can tickle kids to know they gotunder your skin. Sit the pair down and ask (sternly -- remember, this is discipline),"Where do we draw with crayons? Are walls the same as paper? What canyou do now?" Then get out the cleaning supplies and show them how toscrub. Yes, you might have to do more later on, but rest assured:They've learned that when they make a mess, they clean it up. If the kids have broken some other rule, like jumping on the bed orpestering the dog, you should still step in and tell them what's what,but you don't need to make up a punishment. Getting in trouble willchastise most kids. And you probably don't even need to send the otherchild home. "If you've handled the situation well, the kids will likelybe sweet as pie afterward," says Pantley. If your child seems downright relieved when you firmly step in, here'swhy: She can't verbalize it, but she may be thinking: "Thank goodness!The cavalry has arrived. I don't have to handle this battle alone." And that's an important experience for her: When she's older, thatfeeling of safety and order will become the cornerstone of her ownself-discipline.