A diary, to record a conversation
over a Forum chatting with 宋德利利-"Song De-Lili"
June 1st, 2008.
Today is kids' day, I am happy too, right, adults are kids too, sometimes.
Today is really beautiful not only for the warm weather, but for something else too. I had finally had a powerful Chinese poem reversed into English in free style. Hope it works. So I posted back to tell the original Chinese poet.
His name is called " 原版远方". His blog is full of the poems so powerful authored and beautiful to read. His blog is so nice, and very often, he invites his friends to give recital accompanied with music carefully chosen. Hopefully he likes my version in English. 【多难兴邦】so powerful a sentence, now, after the quakes in wen-chuan, and voiced by a nickneame: "寒江雪".
As we may recall, doing something from Chinese into English is obviously different with the one done from the English to Chinese.
There is another reason that I happy about: friends here liked my version of "A nation shall be built in challenges" -a Poem i mentioned earlier, and written for the 'wen-chuan' earthquakes. There are tons of them written within the weeks when rescue is still under going; and the whole world is pooling the money to be sent together with the tents and blankets that they mostly lack of.
I did a few poems from Chinese into English. Selfishly, I like those verses done with tears dripping down my face in the nights. I read them once again after post it with self-content though i know there is somewhere does not really conveys the same power.
But as "Song De-Lili" said, "poetry translation is always hard job, if you really want to do it seriously". I read his work of "大漠孤烟直，长河落日圆" which deserves great effects to put into English. I really enjoy reading his work.
Let' me put it down again: Personally, i like the the last version the best.
"大漠孤烟直，长河落日圆"(4)
Lone smoke is risin’ erectly from vast deser’
Round sun is settin’ slowly o’er long river
Alike this poetic sentence, we may read numerous from"Dang Poems" that so hard to be expressed in a way that English speaking people do their poems. But it remains as challenges for the lover of their languages.
For many passionate poets from China, they have a huge obstacle to get over before they can build their names into books that can be read by the world; very often and maybe easily they were forgotten, or even unknown to the world since Chinese is such hard language to master, and to be learnt.
Then, only true translation can serve as a 'bridge' to get both the world and their lonesome souls together. and only in thus way, that the treasures of Chinese Poetry can be appreciated and consumed by the majority of people in this world.
johnlakeshore, With Attachements：
试译：大漠孤烟直，长河落日圆: -Song Delili
links: http://web.wenxuecity.com/BBSView.php?SubID=mysj&MsgID=21256
很少翻译中国诗，主要是因为对英文诗歌没研究，不知该译成怎样的英文诗句，这次正好有这个机会，我就练习一下，以后说不定还真地翻译一些中文诗。下面是我的一些想法和做法，写出来抛砖引玉，希望能引出高手妙笔生花的杰作，供大家一起学习该如何翻译这两句千古名句。I translate few Chinese poems, as I felt the studying is still weak on English ones. Really hard to put it into English verses; figuring this chance comes rarely, let me try once, maybe I will really work on it sometimes. Following are my ways of doing the verses, and aiming to attract more matured works, or serving as invitations to challenge these two acclaimed verses written thousands years ago.
大漠孤烟直，长河落日圆 * his examples, with explnations:
(1)
The lone smoke is rising erectly from the vast desert,
The round sun is setting slowly over the long river.
The lone smoke / is rising erectly / from the vast /desert,
The round sun / is setting slowly / over the long / river.
(2)
De lone smoke is rising erectly from de vast desert,
De round sun is setting slowly over de long river.
(3)
Lone smoke is rising erectly from vast desert
Round sun is setting slowly over long river
(4)
Lone smoke is risin’ erectly from vast deser’
Round sun is settin’ slowly o’er long river
注释：
我采取直译的方法，逐字逐句地对应。有时这样翻效果不太好，但这首我试了试，读起来，看起来还能明白原诗的意境，尤其是必须讲究工稳的对仗才行。其中rising erectly 和setting slowly， 一上升，一降落，成鲜明对照，十分生动，句子中必须用动词，而且是现在进行时才使得画面有动感。既然是诗，就要能读顺，即便达不到朗朗上口，但也要尽量争取达到轻重起伏，错落有致的效果。 具体做法如下：
第一组（1）每一行都是14个音节，可分成4个音步。结尾都押韵（er）,而且是完整的句子，连冠词都悉数在内。而且对仗极其工稳，两句中各个词的对应程度已经达到百分之百。从头至尾，冠词对冠词，形容词对形容词，名词对名词，是动词对是动词，现在分词对现在分词，副词对副词，介词对介词，冠词对冠词，形容词对形容词，名词对名词。是中规中矩的翻译。
第二组（2）把定冠词the改成de,显得更口语化。
第三组（3）省略定冠词the(de), 句子变短，音节减少，各12个，但依然是偶数。
第四组（4）更加简练，仿照歌词方式简化每一个可有可无的字母，通常的做法，是把现在分词的结尾字母g略掉。
此外，如over则略掉v，变成o’er,而句子结尾“t”字母也可省略，这一做法，可参看《The Treasure of American Poetry》
A Sampler of Hymns,
Spiritual and Songs
Free at las’, free at las’,
I thank God I’m free at las’.
一语湖边:
你太客气了。我这两个句子只是大白话，不值得用“欣赏”这么高贵的字眼对待。我对英诗没研究，不会欣赏，因此也不会写出像样的英文诗句，当然更译不出像样的英文诗句。
【宋的利利诗谈译】 学译忐忑 真不容易 汉诗英译 吾师利利，
很少翻译中国诗，主要是因为对英文诗歌没研究，不知该译成怎样的英文诗句，这次正好有这个机会，我就练习一下，以后说不定还真地翻译一些中文诗。下面是我的一些想法和做法，写出来抛砖引玉，希望能引出高手妙笔生花的杰作，供大家一起学习该如何翻译这两句千古名句。I translate few Chinese poems, as I felt the studying is still weak on English ones. Really hard to put it into English verses; figuring this chance comes rarely, let me try once, maybe I will really work on it sometimes. Following are my ways of doing the verses, and aiming to attract more matured works, or serving as invitations to challenge these two acclaimed verses written thousands years ago.–一语译，小战士：“又仔细一想，是啊，这是千古名句”
一语湖边，I feel I'm just a piece of paper, a drop of rains o'er De lakes. 
英诗汉译还花过一些时间，但在汉诗英译方面几乎等于空白，不过我很想开垦这片处女地。有你这样的朋友热情鼓励，我会加油干的。等以后干起来时还要向你讨教呢，因为你是译诗的里手，我看了你自四川大地震发生以来在汉诗英译方面的杰作。很是钦佩。
我现在还没有能力和精力在译诗方面多花功夫。不过很快我就会腾出手来，也许下一个翻译计划就从汉诗英译开始。
另外我对你的名字很欣赏，很富有诗意，人在湖边说话，该是怎样美妙的一种情景啊。一湖碧波，荡漾不息。近观波光粼粼，令人精神抖擞；远眺烟波浩淼，会令人心旷神怡。真实颇富诗意的美名。期盼与你多交流。谢谢。
宋德利
Thanks, My home is in an aprtment building close to lake of Ontario, I could see the lake from where I stand in the bacalny; and it is after the first name i choose for Blog writing. I like it too since it expresses my feeling about the lake and myself.
宋德利利，谈译诗,及名字. 汉英之别,困惑不已;一语湖边
您的试译：大漠孤烟直，长河落日圆，我真的很欣赏。
【英诗汉译】个人觉得汉语为母语，觉得汉语表达能力强许多语境掌握好像较容易，但读到遇到的英诗古韵也是很费心思，但是【汉诗英译】主要感觉汉诗的凝练，意境十分深厚而感到英语较为平淡，诗意的构成，英语好像讲究容诗意与整体意境，而视语句的美丽为次，十分困惑不已。 As someone commented, the way of building and creating an imgery in English peoms difers from ours. Personaly, I felt the English ones are focusing more heavily on the pictures or imageries in settings as a creation as whole, but not so keen on the bueaty of a single sentence. This is where most Chinese speaking people feel hard to do.
一语湖边，I feel I'm just a piece of paper, a drop of rains o'er De lakes.
约翰雷 K. Shaw Burlington, Ca .
You can reach him at:
lakeshore_viewer_2008@yahoo.cn (China)
john.canjourno.2008@gmail.com ( Canada )
