第十章 为爱情加分
男人通常认为他为女人做大事时得分很高，如给她买新车、带她去度假；当他为女人做小事时得分较低，如打开车门、送她花、拥抱她。根据这些记分，他相信只要集中他的时问、精力及注意力在为她做大事上，就可以满足她。但是这个公式无效，因为女人自有她不同的记分法。
A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her, like buying her a new car or taking her on a vacation. He assumes he scores less when he does something small, like opening the car door, buying her a flower, or giving her a hug. Based on this kind of score keeping, he believes he will fulfill her best by focusing his time, energy, and attention into doing something large for her. This formula, however, doesn't work because women keep score differently.
不管爱的礼物是大是小，女人只记一分，每样礼物的价值都相等。大小不管，通通一分。但男人以为他给小礼物一分，大礼物就有三十分，他不了解女人的记分法和男人是不一样的。
When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Its size doesn't matter; it gets a point. A man, however, thinks he scores one point for one small gift and thirty points for a big gift. Since he doesn't understand that women keep score differently, he naturally focuses his energies into one or two big gifts.
不管爱的礼物是大是小，女人只记一分，每样礼物的价值都相等。
男人不知道女人将小事情看得和大事情一样重要，也就是说，对女人而言，一朵玫瑰和准时付租金得到的是相同的分数。如不了解这种记分的基本不同，男女在关系中会不断发生挫折与失望。
A man doesn't realize that to a woman the little things are just as important as the big things. In other words, to a woman, a single rose gets as many points as paying the rent on time. Without understanding this basic difference in score keeping, men and women are continually frustrated and disappointed in their relationships.
以下的例子说明这一点：
The following case illustrates this:
佩恩在咨询时说：“我为强克做了许多，但他却忽视我，他只关心他的工作。”
In counseling, Pam said, "I do so much for Chuck and he ignores me. All he cares about is his work."
强克说：“可是我工作的所得用来付我们漂亮房子的贷款及旅行。她应该很快乐。”
Chuck said, "But my work pays for our beautiful house and allows us to go on vacations. She should be happy."
佩恩回答：“如果我们不能彼此相爱，我不在乎房子和旅行。我需要你给我更多。”
Pam replied, "I don't care about this house or the vacations if we are not loving each other. I need more from you."
强克说：“你似乎说你付出的比较多。”
Chuck said, "You make it sound like you give so much more."
佩恩说：“是，我总是在替你做事，我洗、衣、烧饭、清理房子，我做每件事，你只做一件事——去上班。虽然工作使你赚得钞票，你却期待我做每一件事。”
Pam said, "I do. I am always doing things for you. I do the wash, fix the meals, clean the house‑everything. You do one thing‑you go to work, which does pay the bills. But then you expect me to do every. thing else."
强克是个成功的医生，像大部分的专家一样，他的工作很费时间，但赚很多钱。他不了解佩恩为何这么不满，他以为每月底收到的高额支票使他至少可得三十分，现在自己开了诊所，收入加倍后，他以为可以得六十分了。他不知道支票只为他赚了一分不论金额大小。
Chuck is a successful doctor. Like most professionals his work is very time consuming but very profitable. He couldn't understand why his wife, Pam, was so discontent. He earned a "good living" and he provided a "good life" for his wife and family, but when he came Home his wife was unhappy.
强克不知道在佩恩的看法里，他钱赚得愈多，她失去的愈多。他的新诊所需要他付出更多时间和精力，为了让先生得到松懈，佩恩更加努力经营他们的个人生活和关系，当她付出更多时，她觉得自己每个月该得到的是六十分，而他却只有付出一分，这使得她非常不高兴、非常气愤。
In Chuck's mind, the more money he made at work, the less he needed to do at, Home to fulfill his wife. He thought his hefty paycheck at the end of the month scored him at least thirty points. When he opened his own clinic and doubled his income, he assumed he was now scoring sixty points a month. He had no idea that his paycheck earned him only one point each month with Pam‑no matter how big it was.Chuck did not realize that from Pam's point of view, the more he earned, the less she got. His new clinic required more time and energy. To pick up the slack she began to do even more to manage their personal life and relationship. As she gave more, she felt as if she was scoring about sixty points a month to his one. This made her very unhappy and resentful.
佩恩觉得她付出很多，却得到很少。强克的看法却是认为自己给与的很多(六十分)，所以也应从太太那里回收这么多，他认为他们的分数平等，除了她不高兴外，他很满意他们的关系。他责备她要求太多，他认为他不断增加的收入和她的付出相等，这个观念使得佩恩更加气愤。
Pam felt she was giving much more and getting less. From Chuck's point of view he was now giving more (sixty points) and should get more from his wife. In his mind the score was even. He was satisfied with their relationship except for one thing‑she wasn't happy. He blamed her for wanting too much. To him, his increased payc equaled what she was giving. This attitude made Pam even more angry.
他们听了我录音带上的关系课程后，都放弃彼此责备，以爱来解决问题，因此原本可能走上离婚的关系改变了。
After listening to my relationship course on tape, both pam and Chuck were able to let go of their blame and solve their problem with love. A relationship headed for divorce was transformed.
强克学到为太太做点小事可以创造很大的不同。他很惊讶当他开始对她多付出时间和精力时，事情会改变得那么快。他理解了女人将小事看得和大事一样重要。他也了解了他原来的工作为何只得一分。
Chuck learned that doing little things for his wife made a big difference. He was amazed at how quickly things changed when he started devoting more time and energy to her. He began to appreciate that for a woman little things are just as important as big things. He now understood why his work scored only one point.
佩恩确实有理由不高兴，她需要强克个人的精力、努力、注意力甚于他们富有的生活形态。强克发现，只要少花点精力赚钱，多加一点点精力在正确的方向，他的太太就会更高兴，他知道过去为了使她高兴，花太多时间工作，自从他了解她的记分方式后，他回家都是充满信心，因为他知道如何让她高兴。
Actually, Pam had good reason to be unhappy. She truly needed Chuck's personal energy, effort, and attention much more than their wealthy lifestyle. Chuck discovered that by spending less energy making money and devoting just a little more energy in the right direction. his wife would be much happier. He recognized that he had been working longer hours in hopes of making her happier. Once he understood how she kept score, he could come Home with a new confidence because he knew how to make her happy.
LITTLE THINGS MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE
有许多方法可使男人不必做多少事就得到配偶的记分。只要调整他原已给与的精力与注意力即可。但事实上即使多数男人知道也不愿麻烦去做这些事，因为他们不知道小事情对女人有多重要。在比较他为她做的大事后，他最终会真正相信小事情是十分重要的。
There are a variety of ways a man can score points with his partner without having to do much. It is just a matter of redirecting the energy and attention he is already giving. Most men already know about many of these things but don't bother to do them because they don't realize how important the little things are to a woman. A man truly believes the little things are insignificant when compared to the big things he is doing for her.
有些男人可能以做小事来建立关系，但做一两次后就停止了，他们透过神秘的直觉力量，把精力集中在为配偶做大事上，而忽略了可使女人满足关系的小事。为了满足女人，男人必须了解她对爱与支持的需求。
Some men may start out in a relationship doing the little things, but having done them once or twice they stop. Through some mysterious instinctive force, they begin to focus their energies into doing one big thing for their partners. They then neglect to do all the little things that are necessary for a woman to feel fulfilled in the relationship. To fulfill a woman, a man needs to understand what she needs to feel loved and supported.
女人记分的方式不只是嗜好，而是真的需要。女人在关系中必须得到许多爱的表达才能感到被爱，一种或两种爱的表达，不管有多重要，都不能满足她。
The way women score points is not just a preference but a true need. Women need many expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved. One or two expressions of love, no matter how important, will not, and cannot, fulfill her.
男人很难了解这一点。有个探讨的方法是想像女人有个像车子汽油槽般的爱槽，这个槽需要不时地加满。加满女人爱槽的秘密是做许多小事(可得许多分)。当爱槽加满了，女人就能感受到爱，而会回应给男人深爱、信任、接受、感激、赞美、肯定和鼓励。
This can be extremely hard for a man to understand. One way to look at it is to imagine that women have a love tank similar to the gas tank on a car. It needs to be filled over and over again. Doing many little things (and scoring many points) is the secret for filling a woman's love tank. A woman feels loved when her love tank is full. She is able to respond with greater love, trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Lots of little things are needed to top off her tank.
以下是一百零一条男人可用来维持女人爱槽盈满的方法。
Following is a list of I0I of the little ways a man can keep his partner's love tank full.
让爱情加分的101妙方
I0 I WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN
1.回到家，先别做其他的事，先找她，拥抱她。
2.问她这天过得如何，包括她计画做的事(如：你去看医生有什么结果？)
3.练习听问题、问问题。
4.同情她的问题，但别试图解决她的问题。
5.不待她要求，就给她二十分钟专注的时间(这时不要读报或分心)。
6.随时像在特殊场合一样，送她一束花，让她惊喜。
7.提前计画约会，不要等到周末，才问她想做什么。
8.如果平时总是她做晚餐，如她太累太忙，请主动做晚餐。
9.赞美她的外貌装扮。
10.她难过时，认同她的感觉。
I. Upon returning Home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.
2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do (e.g., "How did your appointment with the doctor go?").
3. Practice listening and asking questions.
4. Resist the temptation to solve her problemsempathize instead.
5. Give her twenty minutes of unsolicited, quality attention (don't read the newspaper or be distracted by anything else during this time).
6. Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.
7. Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.
8. If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn and she seems tired or really busy, offer to make dinner.
9. Compliment her on how she looks.
I0. Validate her feelings when she is upset.
11.她累时，帮助她。
12.旅行时，行程排松一点，让她不必太赶。
13.如果你会迟到，打电话让她知道。
14.当她请求支持时，你说好或不好时，别让她觉得她的请求是错的。
15.不管何时她的感觉受了伤害，给她同情，并告诉她：“很对不起，让你觉得受伤害了。”然后沉默，让她感受你了解她的伤害，不要提供解答或解释她的伤害不是你的错。
16.不管何时，你需要离开时，让她知道你会回来，或告诉她你需要时间想一些事情。
17.当你冷静下来回来后，用尊重的态度谈困扰你的事，她才不会把事情想得很糟。
18.在冬天时负责点炉火。
19.当她跟你讲话时，放下报纸或关掉电视，全神贯注听她说。
20.如果平日是她洗碗，你偶尔也洗一下，尤其在她很疲倦时。
21.她难过或疲倦时要注意她，问她要做什么事，然后帮她做点“这些事”。
II. Offer to help her when she is tired.
I2. Schedule extra time when traveling so that she doesn't have to rush.
I3. When you are going to be late, call her and let her know.
I4. When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking.
I5. Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her "I'm sorry you feel hurt." Then be silent; let her feel your understanding of her hurt. Don't offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault.
I6. Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things.
I7. When you've cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, nonblaming way, so she doesn't imagine the worst.
I8. Offer to build a fire in wintertime.
I9. When she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention.
20. If she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer
to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day.
22.出门时，问她需不需要你顺便买些东西回来，若需要，别忘了去买。
23.让她知道你正打算小睡一下或想要出门。
24.每天拥抱她四次。
25.上班时，打电话问她好不好，分享一些兴奋的事，我告訢她“我爱你”。
26.每天至少告訢她几次“我爱你”。
27.铺床，清理卧室。
28.如果是她洗袜子，请把袜子翻正面，好让她省去这道手续。
29.注意垃圾桶是否满了，把垃圾倒干净。
30.如果你离城，打电话报平安，并留下可联络到你的电话号码。
2I. Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what
she has to do. Then offer to help by doing a few of her "to do" items.
22. When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up.
23. Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave.
24. Give her four hugs a day. dive er four hugs a day.
25. Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her "I love you."
26. Tell her "I love you" at least a couple of times every day.
27. Make the bed and clean up the bedroom.
28. If she washes your socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn't have to.
29. Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it.
30. When you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached and to let her know you arrived safely.
31.洗车。32.和她约会前，先清洗车子，并清理车内。
33.做爱之前先洗澡，如果她喜欢，再洒上些古龙水。
34.当她对某些人生气时，拖她带离现场。
35.按摩她的背、颈子或脚。
36.有时候，就算没有性爱，也要制造拥抱或柔情的气氛。
37.她在分享感觉时，你要有耐心，不要看表。
38.她和你看电视时，不要拿着遥控器转台。
39.在众人场合表现你对她的感情。
40.牵手时，不要让你的手软弱无力。
3 I. Wash her car.
32. Wash your car and clean up the interior before a date with her.
33. Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that.
34. Take her side when she is upset with someone.
35. Offer to give her a back or neck or foot massage (or all three).
36. Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual.
37. Be patient when she is sharing. Don't look at your watch.
38. Don't flick the remote control to different channels when she is watching TV with you.
39. Display affection in public.
40. When holding hands don't let your hand go limp.
41.了解她最喜欢的饮料，必要时，可把她喜欢的拿出来给她选择。
42.出去吃饭时，建议去不同的餐厅，不要让她有寻找餐厅的负担。
43.为她买戏剧、音乐会、歌剧、舞蹈，或她喜欢的表演的入场券。
44.制造两人可以打扮漂亮出门的机会。
45.体谅她的迟到或临时决定改变衣着。
46.在公众面前，对她付出比别人更多的注意力。
47.把她看得比孩子还重要，让孩子看见是她最先引起你的注意和重视。
48.买小礼物给她——如一小盒巧克力糖或香水。
49.买装饰品给她(拿一张她的独照给店员帮忙选适合她的饰品)。
50.在特殊的场合替她拍照。
4I. Learn her favorite drinks so you can offer her a
choice of the ones that you know she already likes.
42. Suggest different restaurants for going out; don't put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.
43. Get season tickets for the theater, symphony, opera, ballet, or some other type of performance she likes.
44. Create occasions when you both can dress up.
45. Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit.
46. Pay more attention to her than to others in public.
47. Make her more important than the children. Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost.
48. Buy her little presents‑like a small box of chocolates or perfume.
49. Buy her an outfit (take a picture of your partner along with her sizes to the store and let them help you select it).
50. Take pictures of her on special occasions.
51.出去度个浪漫的短假。
52.让她看见你把她的照片放在你的皮夹里，并不断更新照片。
53.住饭店时，请饭店准备特别的东西，如一瓶香槟、苹果汁或一束灿烂的花。
54.给特殊节目写张短笺或做个标论，如结婚纪念日和生日。
55.长途旅行时，由你开车。
56.慢慢开车，保持安全，尊重她的选择。毕竟，她坐在较危险的前座。
57.注意她的感受，并说：“你今天看起来很高兴。”或“你看起来很累。”然后问这样的问题：“你今天过得好不好？”
58.带她出门时，学习辨认方向，这样她就不会觉得该对方向负责。
59.带她去跳舞或一起上舞蹈课。
60.写给她一张爱的短笺或诗，让她惊喜。
5 I. Take short romantic getaways.
52. Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time.
53. When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a bottle of champagne or sparkling apple juice or flowers.
54. Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries* and birthdays.
55. Offer to drive the car on long trips.
56. Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.
57. Notice how she Is feeling and comment on it ‑"You look happy today " or "You look tired"‑and then ask a question like "How was your day?"
58. When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate.
59. Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together.
60. Surprise her with a love note or poem.
61.用刚建立关系时的态度对待她。
62.修理房子中破损的东西，问：“房子里有没有什么需要修理？我还有时间。”不要做超出能力所能负担的。
63.帮她磨菜刀。
64.买一些好的超级强力胶，修补擦掉的东西。
65.灯泡坏了，尽可能马上更换。
66.帮助处理、收拾垃圾。
67.看到报上她有兴趣的部分，大声读出来成剪下来给她。
68.整齐写下你接到她留给你的电话留言。
69.保持浴室地板干净，淋浴后，将地板擦干。
70.为她开门。
6I. Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship.
62. Offer to fix something around the house. Say "What needs to be fixed around here? I have some extra time." Don't take on more than you can do.
63. Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen.
64. Buy some good Super Glue to fix things that are broken.
65. Offer to change fight bulbs as soon as they go out.
66. Help with recycling the trash.
67. Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her.
68. Write out neatly any phone me~ you may take for her
69. Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry it after taking a shower.
70. Open the door for her.
71.购物后，帮她提东西。
72.为她提重的袋子。
73.旅行时，负责提行李，负责将行李放进车中。
74.她洗碗时，帮她刷锅子或做其他较粗重的事。
75.制作一张“修理”表，放在厨房。一有多余的时间就为她做一些表上的事项，不要拖太久。
76.她准备晚餐时，称赞她做的菜。
77.听她谈话时，看着她的眼睛。
78.和她讲话时，偶尔用手踫她。
79.对她当天做的事和她读的书、她接的电话表示兴趣。
80.听她讲话时，适度地发出嗯、哼、啊、哦之声，让她知道你对她所谈的感到兴趣。
7I. Offer to carry the groceries.
72. Offer to carry heavy boxes for her.
73. On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it in the car.
74. If she washes the dishes or it is her rum, offer to help scrub pots or other difficult tasks.
75. Make a "to fix" list and leave it in the kitchen. When you have extra time do something on that fist for her. Don't let it get too long.
76. When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking.
77. When listening to her talk, use eye contact.
78. Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her.
79. Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and the people she relates to.
80. When listening to her, reassure her that you are interested by making little noises like ah ha, uh‑huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmmm.
81.问她现在的感觉。
82.如果她生病了，随时问最新病情。
83.她累时，替她泡杯茶。
84.和她同时上床睡觉。
85.出门前跟她吻别说再见。
86.对她讲的笑话或幽默发笑。
87.她为你做事时，你要说谢谢。
88.她做了头发后，要称赞她的新发型。
89.增加两人独处的时间。
90.亲密时刻或她在分享脆弱感觉时，不要接电话。
81. Ask her how she is feeling.
82. If she has been sick in some way, ask for an update and ask how she is doing or feeling.
83. If she is tired offer to make her some tea.
84. Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time.
85. Give her a kiss and say good‑bye when you leave.
86. Laugh at her jokes and humor.
87. Verbally say thank you when she does things for you.
88. Notice when she gets her hair done and give a reassuring compliment.
89. Create special time to be alone together.
90. Don't answer the phone at intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings.
91.就算路程很短，也一起走一段。
92.安排野餐。
93.她操作洗衣机时，你把脏衣服搜集到洗衣机旁。
94.陪她去散步。
95.以商量的态度告诉她你希望她得到她所要的，你也得到你所要的。但要小心谨慎，不要成为牺牲者。
96.当你离家时，让她知道你想她。
97.带她最喜欢的派或甜点回家给她。
98.如果平时是她买菜，有空时，陪她一起去买菜。
99.在浪漫的场合吃少一点，才不会太饱和太累。
100.要求她把她的想法列在这张表上。
101.如厕后保持马桶盖放下。
9I. Go bicycling together, even if it's just a short ride.
92. Organize and prepare a picnic. (Remember to bring a picnic cloth.)
93. If she handles the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash.
94. Take her for a walk without the children.
95. Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want. Be caring, but don't be a martyr.
96. Let her know that you missed her when you went away.
97. Bring Home her favorite pie or dessert.
98. If she normally shops for the food, offer to do the food shopping.
99. Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don't become stuffed and tired later.
I00. Ask her to add her thoughts to this list.
I01. Leave the bathroom seat down.
做小事的惊人效果
THE MAGIC OF DOING LITTLE THINGS
男人为女人做小事的效果十分惊人，那可使女人的爱槽在满。当分数与女人心中期望的相等或几乎相等时，女人知道她是被爱的，她也会以信任和爱回报。只要她知道自己被爱，她可以毫无怨慰地爱他。
It's magic when a man does little things for his woman. It keeps her love tank full and the score even. When the score is even, or almost even, a woman knows she is loved, which makes her more trusting and loving in return. When a woman knows she's loved, she can love without resentment.
为女人做小事也是男人的治疗过程。事实上，这些小事也能治疗他的忿恨。他会开始感觉到力量与效果，因为她得到了她要的关心。在这种情况下两人都获益。
Doing little things for a woman is also healing for a man. In fact, those little things will tend to heal his resentments as well as hers. He begins to feel powerful and effective because she's getting the caring she needs. Both are then fulfilled.
What a Man News
男人需要继续为女人做小事，女人需要特别注意感激他为她做的小事。她可以让他知道，当他含笑说谢谢时他已得一分。男人需靠这种感激和鼓励来继续给与，如果女人觉得他的给与轻而易得，男人就会停止给与，因此女人必须让他知道她感激他的给与。
Just as men need to continue doing little things for a woman, she needs to be particularly attentive to appreciate the little things he does for her. With a smile and a thanks she can let him know he has scored a point. A man needs this appreciation and encouragement to continue giving. He needs to feel he can make a difference. Men stop giving when they feel they are being taken for granted. A woman needs to let him know that what he is doing is appreciated.
This doesn't mean that she has to pretend that everything is now perfectly wonderful because he has emptied the trash for her. But she can simply notice that he has emptied the trash and say "thanks." Gradually more love will flow from both sides.
What a Man Needs a Woman to Accept
女人必须接受男人将所有精力放在大事上及降低小事重要性的天生倾向。接受这个倾向，不应造成她的伤害，她可积极与他一起解决问题，而不要生气他给得太少，她可以重复让他知道她有多感激他为她所做的小事，及他的努力与周到。
A woman needs to accept a man's instinctive tendencies to focus all his energies into one big thing and minimize the importance of the little things. By accepting this inclination, it will not be as hurtful to her. Rather than resenting him for giving less, she can constructively work with him to solve the problem. She can repeatedly let him know how much she appreciates the little things he has done for her and that he works hard and attentively.
如果他忘了做小事，她应记得这不表示他不爱她，而是他又把精神专注到大事去了。她可藉由请求支持来鼓励他再度注意她，而不需要责备他。有了感激与鼓励，男人会逐渐学习将小事看得和大事一样重要，他会逐渐减少一味追求成功的冲刺，而多花点时间与太太、家人轻松相处，生活较平衡。
She can remember that his forgetting to do the little things doesn't mean he doesn't love her but that he has become too focused on big things again. Instead of fighting him or punishing him, she can encourage his personal involvement by asking for his support. With more appreciation and encouragement a man will gradually learn to value the little things as well as the big. He will become less driven to be more and more successful and begin to relax more and spend more time with his wife and family.
调整精力与注意力
REDIRECTING ENERGY AND ATTENTION
我犹记得第一次学习将精力调整到小事上的经验。我和邦妮刚结婚时，几乎是个工作狂，除了写书和教课外，每周还有五十小时的咨询实习。结婚第一年，她不断让我知道多么希望多和我相处，她不断告诉我她被遗弃与受伤害的感觉。有时候她会以写信的方式分享感觉，我们称之为情书。这些信总是包含了气愤、忧伤、惧怕、遗憾，而以爱作结束。第十一章将探讨更深入的方法及写情书的重要。她写情书告诉我，我把太多时间花在工作上。
I remember when I first learned to redirect my energies into the little things. When Bonnie and I were first married, I was almost a workaholic. In addition to writing books and teaching seminars, I had a counceling practice for fifty hours a week. In the first year of our marriage, she let me know again and again how much she needed more time with me. Repeatedly she would share her feelings of abandonment and hurt. Sometimes she would share her feelings in a letter. We call this a Love Letter. It always ends with love and includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. In chapter II we will explore more deeply the methods and importance of writing these Love Letters. She wrote this Love Letter about my spending too much time at work.
亲爱的约翰：
Dear John,
我写此信与你分享我的感觉。我不是要你做什么，只是希望你了解我的感觉。
I'm writing you this letter to share with you my feelings. I don't mean to tell you what to do. I just want you to understand my feelings.
我气你在工作上花太多时间，我气你回到家什么也不留给我，我想要有更多的时间与你相处。似乎你把诊所看得比我重要，这让我觉得受到伤害。你的疲劳也使我难过，我想念你。
I am angry that you spend so much time at work. I am angry y that you come Home with nothing left for
me. I want to spend more time with you. It hurts to feel like you care more about your clients than me. I feel sad that you are so tired. I miss you.
我怕你不愿多与我相处，我怕自己成为你人生的另一项负担，我怕自己抱怨不休，我怕我的感觉对你一点也不重要。如果这些话难以入耳，我感到抱歉。我知道你在尽力而为，我也感激你认真工作。
I'm afraid you don't want to spend time with me. I am afraid of being another burden in your life. I am afraid of sounding like a nag. I am afraid my feelings are not important to you. I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I know you are doing your best. I appreciate how hard you work.
爱你的邦妮
I love you, Bonnie
读了她被忽视的感觉后，我知道我给诊所的比给她的多。我把全副注意力都给了客户，精疲力尽地回家而忽略了妻子。
After reading about her feeling neglected I realized that I truly was giving more to my clients than I was to her. I would give my undivided attention to my clients and then come Home exhausted and ignore my wife.
When a Man Overworks
我忽略她不是因为不爱她或不在乎她，而是我没精力可给她了。我天真地以为，我尽力努力工作为她和家庭提供舒适的生活(更多的钱)。自从我了解她的感觉后，我设计了一个解决这个问题的计画。
I was ignoring her not because I didn't love her or care for her but because I had nothing left to give. I naively thought I was doing the best thing by working hard to provide a better life (more money) for her and our family. Once I understood how she felt, I developed a plan for solving this problem in our relationship.
Instead of seeing eight clients a day I started seeing seven. I pretended that my wife was my eighth client.
我把每天和八个顾客会面改成七位，我假设我太太是我的第八个顾客。每天我提早一小时回家，我心里想，我太太是我最重要的顾客。我开始为她奉献，回到家就为她做小事。这计画马上就成功了，不只她比较快乐，我也比较快乐。
Every night I came home a hour earlier. I pretended in my mind that my wife was my most important client. I started giving her that devoted and undivided attention I would give a client. When I arrived Home I started doing little things for her. The success of this plan was immediate. Not only was she happier but I was too.
逐渐地，当我支持她和家庭的方式让我感受到被爱时，我就比较不会拚命冲刺想成为伟大的成功者。我放慢了脚步，令我惊讶的是，不但我们的关系进步了，我的事业也更成功了，而我却不必花像过去那么多的时间在工作上。
Gradually, as I felt being loved for the ways I could support her and our family, I became less driven to be a great success. I started to slow down, and to my surprise not only our relationship but also my work flourished, becoming more successful without my having to work as hard.
我发现，在家扮演的角色成功时会反映在事业上。事业的成功不只靠努力工作，也倚赖我取信于他人的能力。得到家人的爱，不只使我更有自信，其他人也会更相信我、更感谢我。
I found that when I was succeeding at Home, my work reflected that success. I realized that success in the work world was not achieved through hard work alone. It was also dependent on my
ability to inspire trust in others. When I felt loved by my family, not only did I feel more confident, but others also trusted and appreciated me more.
Now a Women Can Help
邦妮的支持在这个改变里扮演一个很重要的角色。她除了分享诚实的爱之外，也坚持请求我为她做事，我去做时，她给了我许多感激。我逐渐了解做小事对彼此的爱有多重要。我松了一口气，因为我不必刻意为爱做大事。
Bonnie's support played a big part in this change. In addition to sharing her honest and loving feelings, she was also very persistent in asking me to do things for her and then giving me a lot of appreciation when I did them. Gradually, I started to realize how wonderful it is to be loved for doing little things. I was relieved from feeling that I had to do great things to be loved. It was a revelation.
WHEN WOMEN GIVE POINTS
女人拥有感激人生的大事和小事的能力，这是对男人的祝福，大多数男人都努力想飞黄腾达，他们相信飞黄腾达可使爱情弥坚。他们内心深处渴望别人的爱与赞美，他们不知道，不必飞黄腾达就可以得到爱与赞美。
Woman possess the special ability to appreciate the little things of fife as much as the big things. This is a blessing for men. Most men strive for greater and greater success because they believe it will make them worthy of love. Deep inside, they crave love and admiration from others. They do not know that they can draw that love and admiration to them without having to be a greater success.
大多数男人都努力想飞黄腾达，他们相信飞黄腾达可使爱情弥坚。
女人如能感激男人为她做的小事，就有能力治疗男人的耽溺。但她如果不知道“感激”对男人的重要性，就无法表达感激，而很可能让气愤恣意而行。
A woman has the ability to heal a man of this addiction to success by appreciating the little things he does. But she may not express appreciation if she doesn't understand how important it is to a man. She may let her resentment get in the way.
治疗气愤流行性感冒
HEALING THE RESENTMENT FLU
女人天生就会感激小事情，但女人如感到被忽视，没有得到爱时，就难以自动感激男人为她所做的一切。她会气愤，因她觉得她付出的比他多，这气愤阻碍了她感激小事的能力。
Women instinctively appreciate the little things. The only exceptions are when a woman doesn't realize a man needs to hear her appreciation or when she feels the score is uneven. When a woman feels
unloved and neglected it is hard for her automatically to appreciate what a man does do for her. She feels resentful because she has given so much more than he has. This resentment blocks her ability to appreciate the little things.
气愤，就像得了流行性感冒，是不健康的。当女人气愤时，有否定男人为她所做一切的倾向，因为根据她的记分法，她做的比他多。如果男女得分的比率是十比四十，她会开始气愤，然后不知不觉间将他的十分和自己的四十分相比，得出他们关系的分数是三十比零。这似乎很合理，但却是不可信的。
Resentment, like getting the flu or a cold, is not healthy. When a woman is sick with resentment she tends to negate what a man has done for her because, according to the way a woman keeps score, she has done so much more. When the score is forty to ten in favor of the woman, she may begin to feel very resentful. Something happens to a woman when she feels she is giving more than she is getting. Quite unconsciously she subtracts his score of ten from her score of forty and concludes the score in their relationship is thirty to zero. This makes sense mathematically and is understandable, but it doesn't work.
她将自己的分数减去他的分数，使他得到零，但他不是零。他给的不是零，是十，可是他回家时，她冷漠的眼神和声音控诉他的表现是零。她否定了他所做的一切，她对他的反应仿佛是他什么也没做但他实际上是得了十分。
When she subtracts his score from her score he ends up with a zero, and he is not a zero. He has not given zero; he has given ten. When he comes Home she has a coldness in her eyes or in her voice that says he is a zero. She is negating what he has done. She reacts to him as if he has given nothing‑but he has given ten.
女人以这样的方式减男人分数的原因是她没有感受到爱，不平均的分数使她觉得她不重要。没有感受到爱，就算他的十分很合理，她也难以感激他。当然，这是不公平的，但事实上却是如此。在这个观点下，男人在关系中就常常感到自己不受感激，失去做得更多的动力。他也得到气愤流行性感冒，而她则更气愤，情况愈变愈糟，他的气愤感冒也更趋严重。
The reason a woman tends to reduce a man's points this way is use she feels unloved. The unequal score makes her feel that she because she fee Feeling unloved, she finds it very difficult to appreciate even the ten points he can legitimately claim. Of course, this isn't fair, but it is how it works.What generally happens in a relationship at this point is the man feels unappreciated and loses his motivation to do more. He catches the resentment flu. She then continues to feel more resentful, and the situation gets worse and worse. Her resentment flu gets worse.
她需要休息
What She Can Do
解决这个问题的方法是，从双方的立场给与同情的了解他需要被感激，她需要被支持，否则病情会更严重。
The way of solving this problem is to understand it compassionately from both sides. He needs to be appreciated, while she needs to feel supported. Otherwise their sickness gets worse.
解决她气愤的方法是她必须负起责任，她该对付出太多使分数不相等负责。得了感冒是需要休息的，在关系中付出太多也是需要休息的，她需要让自己休息，并让配偶多照顾她。
The solution to this resentment is for her to take responsibility.She needs to take responsibility for having contributed to her problem by giving more and letting the score get so uneven. She needs to treat herself as if she has the flu or a cold and take a rest from giving so much in the relationship. She needs to pamper herself and allow her partner to take care of her more.
女人生气时，通常不会给配偶支持她的机会。如果他很疲倦，她就否定他做的事的价值，给他另一个零分，然后闭门谢绝他的支持。但她也可藉由自己对付出太多负责而放弃责骂他，重新设一张记分表，给他另一次机会，理性地改善情况。
When a woman feels resentful, she usually will not give her partner a chance to be supportive, or, if he tries, she will negate the value of what he has done and give him another zero. She closes the door to his support. By taking responsibility for giving too much, she can give up blaming him for the problem and start a new scorecard. She can give him another chance and, with her new understanding, improve the situation.
他付出先不求回报
What He Can Do
男人如果觉得没受感激，便会停止给与支持。但如果他了解她是因气愤而无法给分及感激他，他便会有责任地自动处理这种情况。
When a man feels unappreciated, he stops giving support. A way he can responsibly deal with the situation is to understand that it Is hard for her to give points for his support and appreciate him when she is sick with resentment.
了解她再次付出之前必先收到，可使他减轻气愤。他可据此谨慎地付出爱情，不必要求短期内得到感激，给她一段从感冒复元的时间，如果他继续给与，她暂时停止给与而专心地收取他爱的支持，很快就可以得到平衡了。
He can release his own resentment by understanding that she needs to receive for a while before she can give again. He can remember this as he attentively gives his love and affection in little ways. For a while he should not expect her to be as appreciative as he deserves and needs. It helps if he takes responsibility for giving her the flu because he neglected to do the little things that she needs.
With this foresight he can give without expecting much in return until she recovers from her flu. Knowing that he can solve this problem will help him release his resentment as well. If he continues giving and she focuses on taking a rest from giving and focuses on receiving his support with love, the balance can be quickly restored.
为何男人给得少
WHY MEN GIVE LESS
男人几乎都是拿得多给得少，可能你会有这样的经验，女人通常抱怨男人刚开始时给很多爱，后来就变得比较被动，然而男人也觉得受到不公平的待遇，女人刚开始时，对男人又爱又感激，然后逐渐变得气愤与要求。如果我们知道男女不同的记分法，这个谜就解开了。
A man rarely intends to take more and give less. Yet men are notorious for giving less in relationships. Probably you have experienced this in your relationships. Women commonly complain that their male partner starts out more loving and then gradually becomes passive. Men also feel unfairly treated. in the beginning women are so appreciative and loving, and then they become resentful and demanding. This mystery can be understood when we realize how men and women keep score differently.
以下是男人停止给与的五个主要理由：
There are five major reasons a man stops giving. They are:
一、男人将公平性理想化了。
I. Martians Idealize Fairness.
男人将他的所有精力都集中在工作上，他以为工作的表现得了五十分，回到家后，就可以坐等太太给他五十分。他不知道她只给了他一分。他因以为自己早已给与很多，所以停止给与。
A man focuses all his energies into a project at work and thinks he has just scored fifty points. Then he comes Home and sits back, waiting for his wife to score her fifty points. He does not know that in her experience he has only scored one point. He stops giving because he thinks he has already given more.
他以为自己工作表现得五十分足以和太太的分数相等，是公平的，也是爱的行为，却不知道努力工作在配偶心目中只得了一分。他只有了解和尊重女人对每个爱的礼物只给一分，才能建立公平的看法。以下是对男女的实用建议：
In his mind this is the fair and loving thing to do. He allows her to give fifty points worth of support to even the score. He doesn't realize that his hard work at the office scores only one point. His m h(
model of fairness can work only when he understands and respects women give one point for each gift of love. This first insight has practical applications for both men and women. They are:
男人：仅记女人将大事和小事都记为一分。
对每一个爱的礼物她都一视同仁，也都需要不管是大还是小。为了避免气愤，练习做一些可产生大改变的小事情。不要期待女人对你满意，除非她得到丰富的爱的小表现及大表现。
For Men: Remember that for a woman, big things and little things score one point. All gifts of love are equal and equally needed‑big and small. To avoid creating resentment, practice doing some of the little things that make a big difference. Do not expect a woman to be satisfied unless she gets an abundance of little expressions of love as well as the big.
女人：进记男人是从火星来，不会自动去做小事情，他们给的少不是不爱你，而是他们认为早就给与了。
试着不要把它当成是你个人的问题，而要以请求来反覆鼓励他们的支持，不要等到你对他的支持绝望或分数不相等了才请求。也不要命令他支持，相信他会支持你，即使他需要一点小小的鼓励。
For Women: Remember that men are from Mars; they are not automatically motivated to do the little things. They give less not because they do not love you but because they believe they have already given their share. Try not to take it personally. Instead, repeatedly encourage their support by asking for more. Don't wait ,until you desperately need his support or until the score is greatly uneven to ask. Don't demand his support; trust that he wants to support YOU, even if he needs a little encouragement.
二、女人将无条件的爱理想化了。
2. Venusians Idealize Unconditional Love.
女人尽其所能地给与，但当她感到空虚时，只注意到她回收得很少。女人的记分法与男人不同，她尽情给与，以为男人也会和她一样。
A woman gives as much as she can and only notices that she has received less when she is empty and spent. Women don't start out keeping score like men do; women give freely and assume men will do the same.
如我们所知，男人的做法不一样。男人尽情给与，直到他发现分数不相等时，他便停止给与。男人通常给与很多，然后坐等回收。
As we have seen, men are not the same. A man gives freely until the score, as he perceives it, gets uneven, and then he stops giving. A man generally gives a lot and then sits back to receive what he has given.
当女人快乐地给与男人时，男人直觉以为他得到许多分，他唯一要考虑的是自己给得够不够。但当他发现他所得的分数很低时，他就不再给与了。
When a woman is happy giving to a man, he instinctively assumes she is keeping score and he must have more points. The last thing he would consider is that he has given less. From his vantage point he would never continue giving when the score became uneven in his favor.
他知道自己已经给得很多，而女人还要求他给得更多时，他在付出时睑上就不会有笑容，心里很在意这件事。当女人睑上挂着笑尽情给与时，男人以为分数必然是平等了，他不知道女人有神奇的能力，能快乐的给与，直到分数是三十比零。以下是对男女的实用建议：
He knows that if he is required to give more when he feels he has already given a greater amount, he will definitely not smile when he gives. Keep this in mind. When a woman continues to give freely with a smile on her face, a man assumes the score must be somewhat even. He does not realize that Venusians have the uncanny ability to give happily until the score is about thirty to zero. These insights also have practical applications for both men and women:
男人：谨记女人面带笑容给与时，并不表示分数接近相等。
For Men: Remember that when a woman gives with a smile on her face it doesn't necessarily mean the score is close to even.
女人：仅记你尽情给与时，男人得到的讯息是两人分数相等。
For Women: Remember that when you give freely to a man, he gets the message the score is even.
如果你想要他多给点，你应该逐渐减少给与，让他多为你做小事，以请求他支持来鼓励他，记得事后要感谢他。
If you want to motivate him to give more, then gently and gracefully stop giving more. Allow him to do little things for you. Encourage him by asking for his support in little ways and then appreciating him.
三、男人一被请求就给与。
3. Martians Give When They Are Asked
男人以能够自给自足为傲。除非必要，否则他们不会请求帮忙。在火星上，若别人不请求你就提供帮忙，是种鲁莽的行为。
Martians pride themselves in being selfsufficient. They don't ask for help unless they really need it. On Mars it is rude to offer help unless you are first asked.
相反的，金星人一旦爱上某人，就会尽其所能的提供支持，她们不等人家开口请求，她们愈爱对方，提供的帮助就愈多。
Quite the opposite, Venusians don't wait to offer their support. When they love someone, they give in any way they can. They do not wait to be asked, and the more they love someone the more they give.
若是男人没有提供支持，女人会误以为他不爱她，她可能以不请求支持，等待他主动提供支持来考验他的爱，万一他不主动提供，她就对他生气。她不知道他正在等待她向他请求。
When a man doesn't offer his support a woman mistakenly assumes he doesn't love her. She may even test his love by definitely not asking for his support and waiting for him to offer it. When he doesn't offer to help, she resents him. She does not understand that he is waiting to be asked.
如我们所知，保持分数相等对男人而言很重要。当男人觉得在关系中他给与很多时，他会想要求更多的支持，他自然觉得有资格收到支持，因此要求得更多。相反的，当他在关系中觉得给与少时，他就不会要求支持，但会想办法给与对方更多支持。而当女人不请求支持时，男人会误以为分数已相等，或他已给够了，他也不知道她正等待他提供支持。
As we have seen, keeping the score even is important to a man. When a man feels he has given more in a relationship, he will instinctively begin to ask for more support; he naturally feels more entitled to receive and starts asking for more. On the other hand, when he has given less in a relationship, the last thing he is going to do is ask for more. Instinctively he will not ask for support but will look for ways that he might give more support. When a woman doesn't ask for support, a man mistakenly assumes the score must be even or that he must be giving more. He does not know that she is waiting for him to offer his support.
以下是对男女的实用建议：
This third insight has practical applications for both men and women
男人：谨记女人需要支持时不会直接讲出来，她会期待你主动提供，以表明你的爱。练习用些小方法提供她爱的支持。
For Men: Remember that a woman instinctively does not ask for support when she wants it. Instead, she expects you to offer it if you love her. Practice offering to support her in little ways.
女人：谨记男人不断地在寻找，暗示他何时及如何给与更多的线索。他等待被请求。
For Women: Remember that a man looks for cues telling him when and how to give more. He waits to be asked.
他似乎只有在她要求更多和告诉他需要给的更多时，才得到必要的回馈。另外，她请求时，他才知道要给与什么，但她如果不请求，许多男人就不知该怎么做。甚至男人也知道自己给的少，但除非她用些小方法请求支持，否则他会把他的精力放在大事如工作上，他以为飞黄腾达、赚更多钱就是支持她的最佳方法。
He seems to get the necessary feedback only when she is asking for more or telling him he needs to give more. In addition, when she asks, he knows what to give. Many men don't know what to do. Even if a man senses he is giving less, unless she specifically asks for support in the little ways, he may devote even more of his energy to big things like work, thinking that greater success or more money will help.
四、即使分数不相等，女人也会说“好”。
4. Venusians Say Yes Even When the Score Is Uneven
男人不知道当他们请求支持时，即使分数不相等，女人也会说“好”，只要能支持她们的男人，她们必全力以赴。但是只要一觉得付出的比收到的多，她就会气愤你没提供更多的支持给她。
Men don't realize that when they ask for support, a woman will say yes even if the score is uneven. If they can support their man, they will. The concept of keeping score is not on her mind. Men have to be careful not to ask for too much. If she feels she is giving more than she is getting, after a while she will resent that you do not offer to support her more.
男人误以为女人对他的要求说“好”时，她也平等地收到她所要的。分数分明不相等，他却误以为相等。
Men mistakenly assume that as long as she says yes to his needs and requests, she is receiving equally what she wants. He mistakenly assumes the score is even when it isn't.
我记得结婚前两年，我每个星期带太太去看一次电影，有天她很生气地对我说：“我们总是按你的意思做事，从没按我的意思做事。”我十分惊讶，以为她说“好”是因为和我一样喜欢看电影，很高兴每星期去一次电影院。
I remember taking my wife to the movies about once a week for the first two years of our marriage. One day she became furious with me and said, "We always do what you want to do. We never do what I want to do."
I was genuinely surprised. I thought that as long as she said yes and continued to say yes that she was equally happy with the situation. I thought she liked the movies as much as I did.
她偶尔会建议我去看城里的歌剧或听交响乐，当我们开车到表演场地时，她会再度提醒：“这歌剧风评很好，真想看。”
Occasionally she would suggest to me that the opera was in town or that she would like to go to the symphony. When we drove by the local playhouse, she would make a remark like 'That looks like fun, let's see that play."
几天后我说：“我们去看电影，这电影很好。”
But then later in the week I would say, "Let's go to this movie, it's got a great review."
她很高兴的说：“好。”
And she would happily say, "OK."
我又误以为她和我一样高兴去看电影。事实上她是高兴和我在一起，她真正想看的是本地的文化艺术活动，这是她一直提醒我的，但为了使我高兴，她总答应一起去看电影，我没想到她是牺牲了她想要的。
Mistakenly, I got the message that she was as happy as I was about going to the movies. In truth she was happy to be with me, the movie was OK, but what she wanted was to go to the local cultural events. That is why she kept mentioning them to me. But because she kept saying yes to the movies, I had no idea that she was sacrificing her wants to make me happy.
以下是对男女的实用建议：
This insight has practical applications for both men and women.
男人：谨记如果她对你的要求说“好”，并不表示分数相等。
For Men: Remember that if she says yes to your requests, it doesn't mean the score is even.
就算她心里的分数是二十比零，她也会高兴地说：“是，我正要拿你的衣服去洗。”或“好，我会替你打电话。”
The score may be twenty to zero 'm her mind and she will still happily say "Sure I'll pick up your clothes at the cleaners" or "OK, I'll make that call for you."
赞同你要做的并不表示那就是她要做的。问她想做什么，搜集她感兴趣的资讯，然后带她去那些地方。
Agreeing to doing what you want doesn't mean that it 'S what she wants. Ask her what she wants to do. Collect information about what she likes, and then offer to take her to those places.
女人：仅记如果你对男人的要求马上说“好”，他会以为已给的更多，或分数至少己相等。 如果你给的多，收到的少，就不要答应他的要求。反而要高兴地请求他为你多做些事。
For Women: Remember that if you immediately say yes to a man's requests, he gets the idea that he has given more or that the score is at least even. If you are giving more and getting less, stop saying yes to his requests. Instead, in a graceful way, begin asking him to do more for you.
五、男人扣女人的分数。
5. Martians Give Penalty Points.
女人不知道当男人觉得没有被爱与支持时，他会扣女人的分数。当女人对男人的反应是不信任、拒绝、否定或不感激时，他会给她负的分数或扣分。
Women don't realize that men give penalty points when they feel unloved and unsupported. When a woman reacts to a man in an untrusting, rejecting, disapproving, or unappreciative way, he gives minus or penalty points.
例如，男人若因太太没有感激他所做的事而觉得受伤害，他会拿掉她原来已得的分数。如果她已得十分，他可能会把她的十分都拿走。如果他受的伤害更深，他甚至会给她负二十分，结果她由原来拥有十分变成欠他十分。
For example, if a man feels hurt or unloved because his wife has failed to appreciate something he's done, he feels justified in taking away the points she has already earned. If she has given ten, when he feels hurt by her, he may react to her* by taking away her ten points. If he is more hurt he may even give her a negative twenty. As a result she now owes him ten points, when a minute before she had ten points.
女人对这点十分困惑。她可能给出了相等的三十分，但男人一生气，就把她的三十分拿掉了。他心里认为不给她任何分数是对的，因为她拥有他，他认为这是公平的，但事实上却很不公平。
This is very confusing to a woman. She may have given the equivalent of thirty points, and then in one angry moment he takes them away. In his mind he feels justified in not giving anything because she owes him. He thinks it is fair. This may be fair mathematically, but it is not really fair.
扣分会破坏关系，使女人觉得不受感激、男人付出的更少。如果她偶然出现否定的表达方式，他心里也会否定她所给与的爱的支持，失去主动给与的力量，而变得被动。以下是对男女的实用建议。
Penalty points are destructive to relationships. They make a woman feel unappreciated and a man less giving. If he negates in his mind all the loving support she has given, when she does express some negativity, which is bound to happen occasionally, he then loses his motivation to give. He becomes passive. This fifth insight has practical applications for both men and women.
男人：仅记扣分不但不公平也无效。
For Men: Remember that penalty points are not fair and do not work.
当你觉得被冒犯或伤害时，原谅她，并记得她对你所有的好，而不要以否定来扣她分。以请求她给与你要的支持代替处罚，她将会顺从你所要求的。以尊重的态度让她知道她对你的伤害，然后给她道歉的机会，你会因给她支持你的机会而心里好过一点。谨记她是金星人——她不知道你要什么，也不知道如何伤害了你。
At moments when you feel unloved, offended, or hurt, forgive her and remember all the good she has given rather than penalize her by negating it all. Instead of punishing her, ask her for the support you want, and she will give it. Respectfully let her know how she has hurt you. Let her know how she has hurt you and then give her an opportunity to apologize. Punishment does not work! You will feel much better by giving her a chance to give you what you need. Remember she is a Venusian‑she doesn't know what you need or how she hurts you.
女人：谨记男人有扣分的倾向。
For Women: Remember that men have this tendency to give penalty points.
有两个方法可保护你自已免于这种虐待：
There are two approaches to protect yourself from this abuse.
第一个方法是了解他拿掉你的分数是错误的。尊重地让他知道你对此事的感觉。下一章将探讨表达困难和消极感觉的方法。
The first approach is to recognize that he is wrong in taking away your points. In a respectful way let him know how you feel. In the next chapter we will explore ways to express difficult or negative feelings.
第二个方法是了解男人觉得没有爱或被伤害时，会拿掉女人的分数，但只要他感到被爱与支持，他马上会把分数还回来。只要他因做小事得到更多的爱，他的扣分就会愈来愈少。试着了解他对爱的不同需求，让他免于伤害。
The second approach is to recognize he takes away points when he feels unloved and hurt and he immediately gives them back when he feels loved and supported. As he feels more and more loved for the little things he does, he will gradually give penalty points less and less. Try to understand the different ways he needs love so that he doesn't get hurt as much.
当你已了解他所受的伤害后，让他知道你为此感到抱歉。最重要的是，给他他没得到的爱。如果他觉得没受到感激，给他需要的感激；如果他觉得被拒绝或被操纵，给他需要的接受；如果他觉得不被信任，给他需要的信任；如果他情绪不好，给他需要的赞美；如果他觉得不受肯定，给他需要和应得的肯定。若男人感受到爱，他会完全停止扣分。
When you are able to recognize how he has been hurt, let him know that you are sorry. Most important, then give him the love he didn't get. If he feels unappreciated, give him the appreciation he needs; if he feels rejected or m anipulated, give him the acceptance he needs; if he feels mistrusted, give him the trust he needs; if he feels put down, give him the admiration that he needs; if he feels disapproval, give him the approval he needs and deserves. When a man feels loved he will quit using penalty points.
以上过程最困难的部分是知道是什么伤害了他。通常男人孤立地到他的洞穴时，他不知道是什么伤害了他，等他出来后，通常也不谈此事。那么女人如何能知道真正伤害他感觉的是什么？读这本书，了解男人对爱的不同需要是很好的启蒙。
The most difficult part of the above process is knowing what hurt him. For the most part, when a man withdraws into his cave, he doesn't know what hurt him. Then, when he comes out, he generally doesn't talk about it. How is a woman supposed to know what actually hurts his feelings? Reading this book and understanding how men need love differently is a good beginning and gives you an edge that women have never had before.
女人要学习了解男人受伤害的另一个方法是沟通。如先前所提，女人愈能以尊重的态度开放分享她的感觉，男人就愈能开放分享他的伤害和痛苦。
The other way a woman can learn what happened is through communication. As I have mentioned before, the more a woman is able to open up and share her feelings in a respectful way, the more a man is able to learn to open up and share his hurt and pain.
男人为感激加分
NOW MEN GIVE POINTS
男人的给分法和女人不同。每次女人因男人为她做事而感激他时，他就会觉得被爱，然后给她一分以回报。对男人而言，除了爱以外，他不要求任何事，女人不知她们的爱有这么大的力量，却花费许多不必要的时间做超出自己能负荷的事，以赢得男人的爱。
Men give points differently from women. Every time a woman appreciates what a man has done for her, he feels loved and gives her a point in return. To keep the score even in a relationship, a man really doesn't require anything but love. Women don't realize the power of their love and many times unnecessarily seek to earn a man's love by doing more things for him than they want to do.
当女人感激男人为她做的事时，男人就得到了他需要的爱。谨记男人基本的需要是感激。当然，男人在做家常琐事时，也需要女人对等的参与，但他如果没有受到感激，她的参与反而会显得没有意义，对他完全不重要。
When a woman appreciates what a man does for her, he gets much of the love he needs. Remember, men primarily need appreciation. Certainly a man also requires equal participation from a woman in doing the domestic duties of day‑to‑day life, but if he is not appreciated, then her contribution is nearly meaningless and completely unimportant to him.
同样的，男人若没有替女人做许多小事，女人也不会感激他为她做的大事，男人应做许多小事以满足她被照顾、被了解和被尊重的基本需求。
Similarly, a woman cannot appreciate the big things a man does for her unless he is also doing a lot of little things. Doing a lot of litde things fulfills her primary needs to feel cared for, understood, and respected.
男人爱情的主要来源是女人对他行为的反应。他也有爱槽，但他的爱槽不必靠着她为他做事来注满，而是靠她对他的反应或对他的感谢来注满。
A major source of love for a man is the loving reaction that a woman has to his behavior. He has a love tank too, but his is not necessarily filled by what she does for him. Instead it is mainly filled by how she reacts to him or how‑ she feels about him.
女人为男人准备晚饭，他给她一分或十分完全依据她对他的感觉，如果她对他生气，他可能会给她很少的分数，甚至给负分。
When a woman prepares a meal for a man, he gives her one point or ten points, depending on how she is feeling toward hirn. If a woman secretly resents a man, a meal she may cook for him will mean very litde to him‑he may even give minus points because she was resenting him
满足男人的秘密是学习透过你的感觉去表达爱，而不必透过你的行动。
The secret to fulfilling a man lies in learning to express love through your feelings, not necessarily through your actions.
有一个哲学性说法：女人觉得被爱时，她的行为会自动表达；而男人以爱的行为表达自己时，他的感觉会自动跟着行为走，变得更有爱。
Philosophically speaking, when a woman feels loving, her behavior will automatically express that love. When a man expresses himself in loving behavior, automatically his feelings will follow' and become more loving.
男人即使对女人没有爱的感觉，他也可以决定为她做些爱的举动。如果他的表现被收到与感激，他会开始对她产生爱。“行动”是男人引燃爱苗的好方法。
Even if a man is not feeling his love for a woman, he can still decide to do something loving for her. If his offering is received and appreciated, then he will begin to feel his love for her again. Doing" is an excellent way to prime a man's love pump.
然而，女人却十分不同。如果女人没有感到爱、关心、了解或尊重，她就不觉得自己被爱，这反而会燃起她的愤怒。她会将精力直接放在治疗消极感觉上，并决定不再付出更多。
However, women are very different. A woman generally does not feel loved if she doesn't feel cared about, understood, or respected. Making a decision to do something more for her partner Will not help her feel more loving. Instead it may actually fuel her resentment. When a woman is not feeling her loving feelings, she needs to focus her energies directly on healing her negative feelings and definitely not on doing more.
男人必须排出“爱的行为”的优先顺序，确信符合配偶的爱情需求。此举可使两人都打开心胸，感受更多的爱。当男人成功的满足女人时，他的心胸就开放了。
A man needs to prioritize "loving behavior," for this will ensure that his partner's love needs are met. It will open her heart and also open his heart to feel more loving. A man's heart opens as he succeeds in fulfilling a woman.
女人必须排定“爱的态度与感觉”的优先顺序，以确信满足了配偶的爱情需求。当女人能够向男人表达她的爱情态度和感觉时，他会想主动给与更多，女人也会更开放心胸。她的开放心胸使她能够得到需要的支持。
A woman needs to prioritize "loving attitudes and feelings." which will ensure that her partner's love needs are fulfilled. As a woman is able to express loving attitudes and feelings toward a man, he feels motivated to give more. This then assists her in opening her heart even more. A woman's heart opens more as she is able to get the support she needs.
男人真正需要爱时，女人有时不知，此时女人的表现可使得分高达二十到三十分。以下有些例子：
Women are sometimes unaware of when a man really needs love. At such times a woman can score twenty to thirty points. These are some examples:
女人如何得高分
NOW WOMEN CAN SCORE BIG WITH MEN
事件（他给她的分数）
What happens Points he gives her
1.他犯错时，她没有说：“我告诉过你。”或立即提供忠告。10-20
2.他令她失望，但她没有责怪他。10-20
3.他开车时迷路了，她没当一回事。10-20
4.他迷路，她当成是件好事，说：“如果不是走错路，我们还看不到这漂亮的落日呢！”20-30
5.他忘了顺路带回某些东西，她说：“没关系，下次记得带回来。”10-20
6.他又忘了带某些东西回来，她用耐心、信任的口气说：“没关系。”20-30
7.当她伤害了他又能了解他的伤害时，她向他道歉并给他需要的爱。10-40
8.她请求支持，但他说不，她不因他的拒绝而受伤害，反而相信只要他能，他一定可给与支持。她没有拒绝他或否定他。10-20
9.她又请求他支持，他再度说不。这时，她没有让他觉得他错了，转而接受他有他的局限性。23-30
10.当他以为分数已将近相等时，她请求他支持，不带强求口吻。1-5
I. He makes a mistake and she doesn't say "I told you so" or offer advice. I0‑20
2. He disappoints her and she doesn't punish hirn. I0‑20
3. He gets lost while driving and she doesn't make a big deal out of it. I0‑20
4. He gets lost and she sees the good in the situation and says "We would never have seen this beautiful sunset if we had taken the most direct route." 20‑30
5. He forgets to pick up something and she says It's OK. Would you do it next time you are out?" I0‑20
6. He forgets to pick up something again and she says with trusting patience and persistence It's OK.Would you still get it?" 20‑30
7. When she has hurt him and she nderstands his hurt, she apologizes and gives him the love e needs.I0‑40
8. She asks for his support and he ays no and she is not hurt by his rejection but trusts that he would if he could. She does not reject him or disapprove of him. I0‑20
9. Another time she asks for his support and he again says no. She does not make him feel wrong but accepts his limitations at that time. 20‑30
I0. She asks for his support without being demanding when he assumes the score is somewhat even. I‑5
11.当她难过时，她不带强求口吻地请求支持，或他知道她已付出很多。10-30
12.他孤立时，她没有让他觉得内疚。10-20
13.他从洞穴回来时，她欢迎他，没有责备也没有拒绝。10-20
14.他为错误道歉，她以爱和原谅接受。他犯的错愈大，他给的分数愈多。10-50
15.他要求她做某些事，她说不，但没列出一大堆理由。1-10
16.他要求她做某些事，她心情愉快地答应。1-10
17.吵架后，他想和好如初，开始为她做些小事，她也表示了对他的感激。10-30
18.他回家时，她很高兴看到他。10-20
19.她觉得没有受到肯定，但没有表达出来，而是到另一个房间调整自己，然后以爱心回到他身边。10-20
20.在特殊场合，她故意忽视他所犯下的可能引起她难过的错误。20-40
II. She asks for support without being demanding when she is upset or he knows she has been giving more. I0‑30
I2. When he withdraws she doesn't make him feel guilty I0‑20
I3. When he comes back from his cave she welcomes him and doesn't punish him or reject him. I0‑20
I4. When he apologizes for a mistake and she receives it with loving acceptance and forgiveness. The bigger the mistake he makes the more points he gives. I0‑50
I5. When he asks her to do something and she says no without giving a list of reasons why she can't do it.I‑I0
I6. When he asks her to do something and she says yes and stays in a good mood. I‑I0
I7. When he wants to make up after a fight and starts doing little things for her and she starts appreciating him again. I0‑30
I8. She is happy to see him when he gets Home. I0‑20
I9. She feels disapproving and instead of expressing it she goes in another room and privately centers herself and then comes back with a more centered and loving heart. I0‑20
20. On special occasions she overlooks his mistakes that might normally upset her. 20‑40
21.她真正喜欢与他享受性爱。10-40
22.他忘记钥匙放在哪里，她没有把他当成没责任的人。10-20
23.当他带她上餐馆或看电影时，她很技巧或愉悦地表达她的失望或不喜欢。10-20
24.他开车或停车时，她没有给忠告，事后还感谢他到达目的地。10-20
25.她请求他的帮忙而不数落他的错误。10-20
26.她平静地表达她的消极感觉，没有责怪、拒绝或否定他。10-40
2I. She really enjoys having sex with him. I0‑40
22. He forgets where he put his keys and she doesn't look at him as though he was irresponsible. I0‑20
23. She is tactful or graceful in expressing her dislike or disappointment about a restaurant or movie when on a date. I0‑20
24. She doesn't give advice when he is driving or parking the car and then appreciates him for getting them there. I0‑20
25. She asks for his support rather than dwelling on what he has done wrong. I0‑20
26. She shares her negative feelings in a centered way without blaming, rejecting, or being disapproving of him. I0‑40
When a Woman Con Score More Points
以上每个例子都泄露了男人和女人不同的记分法，但女人不需要做到以上所有的要求，这些例子是说明他最脆弱的时候，如果她能支持他的需要，他给分就会很慷慨。
Each of the above examples reveals how men score points differently from women. But a woman is not requited to do all of the above. This list reveals those times when he is most vulnerable. If she can be supportive m giving him what he needs he will be very generous in giving points.
低姿态看龙卷风
女人在困难时刻给与爱的能力就像波浪起伏。当女人给与爱的能力增加时(在波浪的高点)，也就是她能获得许多加分的时候。
As I mentioned in chapter 7, a woman's ability to give love at difficult times fluctuates like a wave. When a woman's ability to give love is increasing (during the upswing of her wave) is the time when she can score many bonus points. She should not expect herself to be as loving at other times.
正如女人给与爱的能力会波动，男人对爱的需求也会波动。在以上每个例子中，男人给分没有固定的数目，而是有个弹性范围；他愈需要她的爱时，会给她愈多的分数。
Just as a woman's ability to give love fluctuates, a man's need for love fluctuates. In each of the above examples, there is no fixed amount for how many points a man gives. Instead there is an approximate range; when his need for her love is greater he tends to give her more points.
例如，当他犯错或害羞时，更需要她的爱，因此只要她的反应很支持，他就会给很多分。犯的错愈大，他给她的爱愈多分。如果他没有收到她的爱，他会扣她分数，若他因犯大错受拒绝，他会扣她许多分。
For example, if he has made a mistake and feels embarrassed, sorry, or ashamed, then he needs her love more; therefore he gives more points if she responds by being supportive. The bigger the mistake, the more points he gives her for her love. If he doesn't receive her love he tends to give her penalty points according to how much he needed her love. If he feels rejected as the result of a big mistake he may give a lot of penalty points.
WHAT MAKES MEN DEFENSIVE
当男人犯错或害羞时，更需要她的爱……他犯的错愈大，给的分数就愈多。当女人因男人犯错而难过时，男人可能会很生气。他的生气与他所犯的错误大小成正比，小错误只使他稍微自卫，大错误则使他的防御心很强。有时女人不了解为何男人不为他的大错误道歉，原来他是怕她不原谅他。他会因她的难过而恼羞成怒，扣她的分数。
A man may become so angry at a woman when he has made the mistake and the woman is upset. His upset is proportional to the size of his mistake. A little mistake makes him less defensive, while a big mistake makes him much more defensive. Sometimes women wonder why a man doesn't say he is sorry for a big mistake. The answer is he is afraid of not being forgiven. It is too painful to acknowledge that he has failed her in some way. Instead of saying he is sorry he may become angry with her for being upset and give ber penalty points.
当男人处在消极状态时......以低姿态对待他，视他为过境的龙卷风。
当男人处在消极状态时，她若能以低姿态将他视为过境的龙卷风，风过后，他会因她没怪罪他或试图改变他而给她丰厚的加分。若她试图使龙卷风停息，只会造成大混乱，他会责备她的阻扰。
When a man is in negative state, if she can treat him like a passing tornado and lie low, after the tornado has passed he will give her an abundance of bonus points for not making him wrong or for not trying to change him. If she tries to stop the tornado it will create havoc, and he will blame her for interfering.
对许多女人来说，这是个新的观点，因为在金星上，当某人难过时，金星人从不会忽视她或考虑采低姿态。金星上没有龙卷风，某人难过时，金星人都聚在一起，问许多问题以了解她为何困扰，相反的，龙卷风过境火星时，火星人都寻找沟渠蹲下来。
This is a new insight for many woman because on Venus when someone is upset the Venusians never ignore her or even consider lying low. Tornadoes don't exist on Venus. When someone is upset everyone gets involved with one another and tries to understand what is bothering her by asking a lot of questions. When a tornado passes on Mars everyone finds a ditch and lies low.
WHEN MEN GIVE PENALTY POINTS
了解男人不同的记分法对女人很有帮助。男人扣分使女人困惑，不敢分享她们的感觉，当然，如果所有男人都能了解扣分的不公平，并在一夜之间改变该有多好，但改变是需要时间的。不管如何，能让女人安心的是，男人会像扣分那么快地把扣分收回去。
It helps greatly when women understand that men score points differently. That men give penalty points is very confusing to women and doesn't make it safe for women to share their feelings. Certainly, it would be wonderful if an men could see how unfair penalty points are and change overnight‑but change takes time. What can be reassuring for a woman, however, is to know that just as a man quickly gives out the penalty points he also takes them back.
REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES
男人扣分就像女人付出比他多时的愤怒感觉，她从自己的分数中减掉他的分数，给他零分。此时，男人只要了解她患了气愤流行性感冒，给她更多的爱就行了。同样地，男人扣分时，女人就了解他有他自己的气愤流行性感冒，他需要更多的爱以痊愈。女人给了他爱，他会给她加分，以使分数再一次相等。
A man giving penalty points is similar to a woman feeling resentful when she gives more than he does. She subtracts his score from hers and gives him a zero. At such times a man can just be understanding that she is sick with the resentment flu and give her some extra love. Similarly, when a man is giving penalty points, a woman can realize that he has his own version of resentment flu. He needs some extra love so he can get better. As a result, he immediately gives her bonus points to even the score again.
透过学习男人如何给高分，女人在男人冷淡或受伤害时有了新的支持能力，她可由她应做的小事中(一百零一条妙方)，更成功地把精力集中在给与他所需的。
Through learning how to score big with a man, a woman has a new edge for supporting her man when he seems distant and hurt. Instead of doing little things for him (from the fist. I0I Ways to Score Points with a Woman, page I80), which is what she would want, she can more successfully focus her energies in giving him what he wants (as fisted in How Women Can Score Big with Mel, page I99).
男女都可由了解双方记分法的不同而获得很大的利益。改善关系不必花额外的精力，也不要害怕困难。只要我们学习如何将精力直接放在配偶会全心感激的方向上，关系就能维持得十分美好。
Both men and women can benefit greatly by remembering how differently we keep score. Improving a relationship takes no more energy than we are already expending and doesn't have to be terribly difficult. relationships are exhausting until we learn how to direct our energies into the ways that our partner can fully appreciate.
