ZT: How to Make People Like You

How to Make People Like You: Secrets of Instant Rapport

Nicholas Boothman

March 1, 2001, Special from Bottom Line/Retirement

If other people like you, the world can be a very wonderful place...

People who like you are eager to help take care of your needs and desires.

Enjoying relationships with other people is a major factor contributing to longevity and happiness.

Some people are naturally able to make others like them. Those of us who are not born with this knack can develop it by applying just a few principles.

MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION

It takes very little time for people to form an impression of someone they have just met, and that impression tends to stick. A recent study by Harvard University psychologists found that the attitude students formed toward new teachers in just two seconds was essentially the same as the one they held after sitting through the whole course.

Of course, you cannot expect to become everyone’s best friend in two seconds, but if you make the right first impression, demonstrating that you are sincere, safe and trustworthy, you can initiate the building of a lasting rapport within 90 seconds.

PROJECT A “REALLY USEFUL ATTITUDE”

Your attitude sets the quality and mood of your thoughts, which in turn influence your voice tone, the words you use, your facial expressions and your body language. Your attitude determines the quality of your relationships. When you project a “really useful attitude,” one that is cheery, interested and helpful, other people will want to be around you.

It’s up to you to choose your attitude. When you project the opposite attitude, they will have the opposite reaction.

Very important: Make sure your words, tone of voice and gestures are all consistent. When faced with inconsistency among these three ways of delivering a message, people pay most attention to body language, and then to tone of voice -- and surprisingly little to the actual words.

ESTABLISH RAPPORT BY DESIGN

We like people who are like us, so the key to establishing rapport with strangers is to learn how to be like them. This requires you to deliberately control your behavior to become sufficiently like the other person to form a connection -- at least for a short time.

Look around a restaurant or any other public place where people meet and socialize and compare those couples who are in rapport with those who are not. The ones who are in rapport lean toward one another... adopt similar arm and leg positions... talk in similar tones of voice. In short, they seem to be synchronized.

The quickest way to establish rapport with people you meet is to synchronize with them.

Synchronizing does not mean you are being phony or insincere. Its purpose is to help you put the other person at ease and speed up the rapport that would otherwise take longer to develop. You are not expected to make your movements, tone and voice mimic the other person’s, but just to act with him/her the same way you would if you were already friends.

HOW TO SYNCHRONIZE

Try to start synchronizing within seconds of making a new acquaintance. Five stages of a successful first encounter...

* Use open body language. Uncover your heart by leaving your jacket or coat unbuttoned and facing the other person.

* Be first with eye contact. Look the other person straight in the eye.

* Beam a smile.

* Be the first to identify yourself with a pleasant, “Hi! I’m Nick.”

* Lean subtly toward the other person to show your interest and openness, and begin to synchronize.

Pick up on the other person’s feelings and identify with him by synchronizing your movements, breathing patterns and expressions. Use your voice to reflect back the mood conveyed by his voice. Don’t copy him clumsily, but notice his posture, gestures, head and body movements and facial expressions and mirror them.

Particularly important: Mirror his voice tone, volume, speed and pitch.

SECRETS OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Get the other person to start talking openly so you can find out what matters to him and synchronize yourself accordingly.

Begin by asking open questions -- those that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” but encourage the other person to open up and reveal himself.

** Key words: Who? When? What? Why? Where? How?

Keep the conversation going by answering a question with another question.

** Sensory preferences: If you really want to communicate with other people on their own wavelengths, learn to rapidly figure out their sensory preferences. People view the world in one of three basic ways...

* Visuals are motivated primarily by what they see.

* Auditories by what they hear.

* Kinesthetics by physical sensations.

You can quickly recognize which group people belong to by listening to the vocabulary they use. Examples...

* Visuals tend to talk fast, wave their hands, look up with their eyes, dress well and say things like, “I’d like to see proof of that.”

* Auditories tend to talk at a medium speed, have melodic and expressive voices, gesture and move their eyes from side to side and will say, “I hear that.”

* Kinesthetics tend to speak very slowly and with great detail, look down as they speak, wear textured clothing, and talk about how they feel.

Detecting sensory preferences requires you to pay close attention to others, which in itself makes you a more people-oriented, likeable person. And when you learn how to synchronize with people using the vocabulary they feel comfortable with, your ability to develop rapport with almost anyone will grow.