这 是一篇SAMPLE。其实，去年我REVIEW过好一些孩子的COLLEGE ESSAYS，其中好几篇写得相当出色，不过，未经人家家长的同意，我无权贴出来。现在贴出来的这一篇，是一位7年级学生的IN CLASS ESSAY，我曾紧急打电话CALL伊妈妈，得到了她的CONSENT。The Ethical Correctness of Juror EightWhen it comes to deciding whether or not the eighth juror was right in convincing others that the boy was innocent, some may have it that the eighth juror was wrong. Nevertheless, in my part, I agree with juror eight’s actions as my inclination. Even with my knowledge of the boy’s guilt, I believe that declaring him guilty is not a realistic option, based on the information that the jurors had received to make a close analysis of the case. Among countless factors which influence the eighth juror’s correctness, there are three conspicuous aspects as follows.One of the primary causes is that the eighth juror did not possess any bias when deciding on the boy’s innocence. The book explicitly stated that the eighth juror did not know the boy before, did not illegally favor the boy, and further had nothing to gain from either decision. Instead, his basic conditions were proper for an impartial decision of innocence.A more essential factor why I advocate the argument that the eighth juror acted morally and ethically correctly is that he used logic and conducted simulations to deduce his case, basing everything on the evidence available to him and the other jurors. For example, he found that the alleged timings involved in the crime were impossible by reconstructing the crime, making the testimony of the old man invalid. In addition, he reasoned that in accordance with the how the murder was committed, the boy had to alternate between being smart and stupid at superhuman speeds. Last, he took the nature of humans—to not wear glasses in bed—and therefore disproved the testimony of the woman against the boy. All reliable evidences point to one saying, that is that the eighth juror’s decision is reasonable.Other than what I have already mentioned, there is a further more important point we must consider. Juror eight followed the law for court decision as dictated by the Constitution. According to the Constitution, a person put on trial is assumed innocent until there is sufficient evidence to show that he or she is guilty. Even if there is not enough evidence to show that a person is guilty, that does not mean the person has been proved innocent. For example, ten years ago, Michael Jackson was charged with harassing children. However, because there was not enough evidence to disclose any guilt, his case was dismissed. Since juror eight found that there was not enough strong evidence to show that the boy was guilty, by persuading the other jurors of his innocence, juror eight was deciding legally.Admittedly, common sense tells us that by convincing the other jurors to turn the guilty boy loose, juror eight is causing a major danger to human society. However, did the jurors possess, at the time of the trial, absolute knowledge of the boy’s guilt? Since the boy was not shown to be guilty, if he had been executed, it will cause malicious consequences: a dissatisfaction of people’s hearts, instability in the order of society, and a retrogression of human civilization in general. Moreover, freely executing people who are not shown to be guilty is a violation of natural human rights. Life is the most precious thing of all, endowed to everybody by their Creator, and if such a priceless gift is taken for granted, what will we amount to on this earth? Absolutely nothing!Recognizing the fact that Juror Eight had no bias during the case, used logical thinking to help him work out a reasonable conclusion, and followed legal procedures to determine the boy’s innocence, should drive us to conclude that he has made the appropriate and ethical decision in persuading the other jurors to change their votes. Since there is not significant evidence that the boy is guilty, we have to strongly commit to the notion of juror eight and agree with his actions.[评语]和部分家长座谈孩子写作。下面言归正传，谈谈The Ethical Correctness of Juror Eight这篇习作。这篇作文，是一位7年级男孩子的英文课上的WRITING ASSESSMENT TEST ESSAY，是他年级里的仅有的两篇满分作文中的其中一份。这篇文章的长处在哪里呢？首先，这篇文章最成功之处，在于它的写作架构和全篇布局。正如大家已经清楚看到的，它很清晰地把全文分成了三大板块：1、INTRODUCTION；2、 BODY PART；3、CLOSING。在INTRODUCTION中，三句话，他开门见山地亮出了议题，并表明了自己的立场和全文的主旨，且引出上文下理。在文章的主干PART里，他先采用三个分论点及例证，正面地SUPPORT并论证文章的中心思想，弹无虚发，有的放矢；然后，他后退一步，以守为攻，反击 可能有的CON。这样以来，文章正反论证，两相辉映，逻辑严密，从而完成了整个的论证过程。在文章的结尾处，作者强调并总结自己的观点，较于开篇起首，更深一步，并一气呵成，遥相呼应。至此，全文层次清晰，大功告成，滴水不漏。其次，这篇习作的另一个特点在于，内容上，贯穿全文，主旨突出，观点材料新颖，推理严密，行文简练。事实上，正如有家长所说的，这是一篇根据著名的 Play剧本 Twelve Angry Men 而做议论的开放式的话题作文。文章的论点如下：1、The eighth juror did not possess any bias when deciding on the boy’s innocence. 2、The eighth juror acted morally and ethically correctly because he used logic and conducted simulations to deduce the case, basing everything on the evidence available to him and the other jurors. 3、Juror eight followed the law for court decision as dictated by the Constitution. 如果大家读过这个剧本，就会看到，这篇习作，没有一个分论点是直接从原著中照搬过来的；他根据作品进行分析、归纳，尤其BASED ON他这个年龄的有限的法律知识，将美国宪法加以理解并运用于这个CASE里，是非常出色、有理有据有创意的。而且，这篇文章如大家所看到的，其例证紧密 联系现实生活，Michael Jackson的例子，寓意深长地成为了此案的一个记号和注脚，材料处理颇有亮点。这篇习作的论点步步紧扣，在逻辑运用上严密有致，疏密有序，不平均使用 笔墨，整体BALANCE，重点突出。有意思的是，作文里很小心地使用了“show”和“prove” 等字眼 ，从而，从法律的角度和逻辑推理的空间，微妙地表现了其内在的张力和不引人注意的些微的差异。说到这里，回答家长的问题：重量级的论据是放在第一个，还是放在后面？回答：越重要的论点，越放在后面。我们可能都曾听到过这样一个短语：“ Last but not least” ；我要说的是，这是典型的cliché！总之，这篇文章，无论其观点的阐述，还是其结构的驾驭，写作规则与思想创新并举，可以说，是一篇训练有素、相对于他的年级而言，相当成熟老练的文章。二那么，这篇文章的缺点在哪里呢？它最大的缺点，正如大家所指出的，作者在前言中没有对 Twelve Angry Men (Play) 做必要的background的简介，甚至未提及作品的名字。他supposed他的读者局限于他的老师和同学的圈子里，局限于大家都知道这个故事的前提 之下。这是他行文的稚嫩之处。另外，正如一些朋友看见的那样，这篇习作有些地方显得wordy。其实，在英文写作中，永远的，最powerful的句子是short sentence，而不是long sentence，就像写作中最powerful的词是verb，而不是adjective或adverb！老师之所以没追他这两点，我猜想的话，可能还 是基于他的年级的LEVEL和他的整体的运用文字的能力罢。因为，事实上，他的总体的遣词造句和表达能力是非常STRONG的，可以看得出来他的优秀的英 文功底和水平。正如我前面提到的，这是一篇满分作文；当讨论至此时，不知我们家长们是否已经意识到了，其实我们对于孩子的写作要求，与老师的评判标准，某种意义上，是有 差别的。这提醒我们，老师最看重的是什么，能够要求的不同年级孩子的写作的最高标准是什么？三最后，篇幅有限，我只能一般性地就孩子写作给大家一点原则性的意见，仅供参考。我先要说，中文式的写作和英文式的写作，其最大的区别是什么？其实，它们最大的区别并不在乎于语言的内涵的差别，而是体现于语言外在形式上的迥异。换言 之，无论一篇优美的文章，抑或那脍炙人口的世界名著，人所共赏，绝对的，语言仅仅只是作为它的载体与符号，而语言的实质，人类共通，是一样的。我要对大家 说的是，大家要自信，只要你能在写作思路上引导孩子，那么，这对你的孩子来讲，已经足够足够了；至于那具体的英文的遣词造句，Don’t worry about that！对于我们这些不是native speaker的人而言，永远的，我们不可能具体表达得比我们的孩子更地道，因此，just ignore such unrealistic thoughts of changing our children’s essay diction, ，尽你的所能，全力以赴，去帮助孩子。具体的，俺家的作文宝典略提以下几点：1、教会你的孩子审题，免得他/她“下笔千言，离题万里”。如何审题呢？首先要学会审内容，题目要求我们写什么，我们就写什么。举例吧，一篇记叙文，我们 得教孩子明白，这篇作文的要求是什么？要记人，还是要叙事？写人的话，是写一个人呢，还是写两个或一群人？叙事的话，是叙述一件事呢，还是叙述几件事？其 次，教会孩子审清写作重点。同是叙述一件事，《一件重要的事》和《一件难忘的事》这两个文题的写作重点是不一样的。只有抓住重点，才能把握住文章所要表达 的关键，从而选材才有范围，组材才有目标。还有，对于一个孩子，您必须从小训练他/她学会抓keyword，抓“题眼”，进行有程序的思考和分析，这是相 当重要的。比如，写《记对我影响很重要的一个人》这个大学ESSAY的题目吧，按常规审题的程序是：A、这道题写作的对象是记一个人。 B、必须记他/她对我如何地重要。 C、必须记他/她对我那些影响重要的事。 D、记叙因着他/她的影响，对我而来的意义。 E、这道题的文章体裁是：记叙文。给几道练习题吧，问问孩子：比较下列两组作文题，指出不同的写作重点。(1) a．我的小学 b．我所爱的小学 c．我在小学的日子 (2) a．为好朋友Jasen说句话 b．让好朋友Jasen说句话 c．对好朋友Jasen说句话2、要写好作文，要帮助孩子学会“化大为小” 、“以小见大”和行文当中张扬他/她的个性。什么叫“化大为小”？指写作中，要学会以问领写，以问带写，转换孩子作文中的TOPIC至一具体的范围，从而 使你孩子写的东西具有现实性、典型性和针对性，切忌“面面俱到”，但强调有的放矢，“一针见血”。什么叫“以小见大”？你孩子的作文永远不要只停留在记人 叙事议论的表面阶段，行文最后，一定得带出他/她的思想、理解与体会，要能使他/她的文章最后有亮点，上升到一种境界。至于文章要张显个性，一、开放式的 作文，不要以摆代议，复制原话题，而需要个人的创新和看见。二、文章不要八股，要体现孩子的个性与风格。比如那篇习作，“Life is the most precious thing of all， … and if such a priceless gift is taken for granted, what will we amount to on this earth? Absolutely nothing! ” 以反问代替陈述，充满悲情，铿锵有力，走笔至此，震撼人心！3、注重规范表达。美国中小学生的作文，很多是开放式的作文，体裁不限。但是，自选文体不表示没有要求，写作十分忌讳四不像的作文。什么意思呢？请告诉你 的孩子，在作文里，风格得保持一致，不论写哪一种文体，都必须要符合该文体的规范和要求，否则肯定拿不到writing的高分。那么，具体的操作过程怎样 呢？一、当你的孩子见到题目后，首先要训练他/她学会思考：这个开放式的作文，最适和于采用哪一种文体？二、在无文体局限的情况下，他/她又最擅长运用哪 一种文体？三、根据他/她平日所积累的材料，问一问自己：写记叙文的话，他/她是否有充分的情感内涵的生活素材？写议论文的话，他/她是否有相关的理论和 论据？写报告的话，他/她是否有所要写的知识、DATA上的积存。。。虽然孩子们不要求成为文体专家，但写他们所容易HANDLE的，其中对于他们的基本 的要求，他们需要FOLLOW。这里，主要的还是针对孩子作文的一般ABC而论；至于其他，限于篇幅，不复累叙。
