"My friends listen to what I say, but my parents only hear me talk" Perhaps we have had a similar experience and know how frustrating it can be to be heard accurately by someone who isn't listening with understanding. Effective listening is the combination of hearing what the other person says and a suspenseful waiting, an intense psychological involvement with the other.
Attending skills: attending is nonverbal communication that indicates that you are paying careful attention to the person who is talking. Effective attending works wonders in human relations. It shows the other that we are interested in him and in what he has to say. It facilitates the expression of the most important matters on his mind and in his heart.
- A posture of involvement: communication tends to be fostered when the listener demonstrates a relaxed alertness with the body leaning slightly forward, facing the other squarely, maintaining an open position and situating ourselves at an appropriate distance from the speaker. The relaxed alertness of our body during the conversation commnicates "I feel at home with you and accept you" and "I sense the importance of what you are telling me and am very intent on understanding you.".
- Appropriate body motion: The good listener moves his body in response to the speaker. To listen is to move. To listen is to be moved by the talker-physically and psychologically. Ineffectve listeners move their bodies in response to stimuli that are irrelated to the talker.
- Eye contact: Effective eye contact expresses interest and a desire to listen. The eyes of men converse as much as their tongues, but with the advantage that the ocular dialect needs no dictionary, but is understood the world over.
- Nondistracting environment: good attending involves goving the other person our undivided attention. A quiet and private place facilitate conversation. Cutting environment distractions to the minimum and removing sizable physical barriers.
- Psychological attention: Without psychological presence, no attending technique will work. However, if I try to fake attention when listening to another, I deceive only myself.
- Consciously Working at attending: Some may question the possible artificiality of attending behavior or other skills. They object to seeing life as a series of exercises in which the individual constantly dredges into a handbag of skills so he can adapt to each life situation. Our experience has been that individuals may begin attending in an artifical, deliberate manner. However, once attending has been initiated, the attender often gets very good response from the talker and forgets about pretending and soon attends naturally. Since 85% of our communication is nonverbal, attending, the nonverbal part of listening is a basic building block of the listening process.
