1 最实在的感恩
A teacher gave her students of second grade to write an assignment on ‘What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving?’ She couldn't agree enough with one of the wisest students in her class who wrote that she was thankful that she was ‘not’ a turkey.
一个老师让二年级学生写一个作业，标题是“感恩节我为什么而感恩?”当她看到班里最聪明的一个学生写的作业，她简直不能更赞同了，这个学生在作业中写道，她感恩的是她“不是”火鸡。
2 好消息和坏消息
The concerned father was puzzled because his son's grades had been dropping steadily while he was at college, so he called the dean to find out what was wrong. "Well, sir," replied the dean, who always tried to be diplomatic, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that your son's become the most flagrant homosexual on campus, and spends all his time chasing after the lads on the football and basketball teams. "
"My God, that's horrible!"
"But the good news is he's just been elected Queen of the Homecoming Parade ! "
一位关心儿子的老爸对于念大学的儿子成绩每况愈下一直想不懂，因此他拜访了学院的院长，想了解究竟问题在哪里。说话总是讲求圆滑的院长回答说：“先生，我有好消息和坏消息要告诉你。坏消息是令郎乃是闻名校内的同性恋者，他成天只知道追求足球队和篮球队的男孩子。”
“我的老天爷，太可怕了!”
“但好消息是他刚被选为欢迎球队返校游行的皇后!”
3 专注打球
Mrs. Fortescue was getting more and more worried. Her husband had left for a round of golf early in the morning and by mid-afternoon he still wasn't home. Evening came and Grotesque still hadn't returned. The lady was just about to call the police when she heard her husband's car pulling into the drive way.
Rushing outside, she told her husband, "Darling, I was so worried about you. What kept you?"
"Charlie had a heart attack on the fourth hole."
"Oh, my goodness, that's terrible!"
"You're telling me! All day long it was shoot the ball, drag Charlie, shoot the ball, drag Charlie . . . . "
福蒂斯丘太太越来越担心，因为她先生一早出去打高尔夫球，到下午三四点都还没回家，甚至到傍晚也还不见人影。福蒂斯丘太太正要打电话报警就听到她先生开车回来了。
她冲出门外，向她先生说道：“亲爱的，我一整天都在担心你，是什么事把你耽搁了? ”
“查理在第四洞时心脏病发作。”
“喔，天哪，真可怕!”
“那还用你说吗! 一整天我都一边打球，一边拉查理，一会儿打球，一会儿拖查理，……”
4 哲学
Why worry?
Really, you have only two things. To worry about either you are sick or you are well.
If you are well, you have nothing to worry about, and if you are sick, you have only two things to worry about either you get well or you die.
If you get well, you have nothing to worry about, and if you die, you have only two things to worry about either you go to heaven or you go to hell.
If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about, and if you go to hell. You'll be so busy shaking hands with old friends, you won't have time to worry!
何必忧虑呢?
真的，你只有两件事要担心，你不是会生病就是身体健康。
如果你身体健康，那么就没什么好担心的。如果生病的话，只要担忧两件事，你不是康复就是死亡。
如果你康复的话，什么也不必担心。如果不幸死亡的话，你只要担心两件事，你不是上天堂就是下地狱。
如果上天堂，什么也不需要你担忧。要是下地狱的话，你会忙着和老朋友握手寒暄，连担忧事情的时间都没有!
5 余生都要吃这些药片
A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face. A friend walked in and asked why he was so unhappy. The weeping one said, the doctor has just told me I'll have to take these tablets for the rest of my life.
Cheerfully, his friend pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life. Sure, came the reply, but he only gave me ten.
一个男人坐在酒吧里痛哭流泪。一个朋友走进来问他为何如此伤心。那人哭着说：刚才医生告诉我，在我的余生里都要吃这些药片。
他的朋友很轻松地指出，许多人一辈子每天都要吃药。当然，男人回答说：但是他只给了我十片。
6 你叫什么名字?
A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had never seen them before, so he began: “My name is Stone, and I'm even harder than stone, so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble. Don't try any tricks with me, and then we'll get on well together. ”
Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name. “Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly, he said, and don't forget to call me 'sir'.”
Each soldier told him his name, until he came to the last one. This man remained silent, and so Captain Stone shouted at him, “When I ask you a question, answer it! I'll ask you again: What's your name, soldier?”
The soldier was very unhappy, but at last he replied. “My name is Stonebreaker, sir.” He said nervously.
有一位很严厉的军官在对一群交由他训练的新兵训话。他以前从没见过这群新兵，于是他开始自我介绍：“我的名字叫石头，事实上，我甚至比石头更强硬。这就是我为什么要告诉你们我名字的原因。不要试图对我玩什么花招，这样我们就能很好相处了。”
接着他开始走到每个士兵前面问他们的名字。“说大声点，让每个人都能听清楚。另外，不要忘记称呼我为长官。”他说。
每个士兵都对他说了自已的名字。他走到最后一位士兵面前时，这个士兵保持着沉默。于是石头队长对他喊叫，“当我问你问题的时候，要回答!我再问一遍，你的名字，士兵?”
那个新兵很不高兴，但最后他回答了。“我的名字是碎石机，长官。”他紧张地说。
