有毒的父母(2)划清界限

老是一个失去的过程,备老、养老、送老,一起体察和治疗
打印 被阅读次数

 这个系列的首篇就说到,最难的是为那些曾经伤害自己一辈子的父母养老送终。因为这里面有害怕、恐惧、愤怒,但是更有爱和感情,有自己生命最基本最离不开的需要。随着父母的老化,让成年子女很难处理好养老送终过程里,那么多敏感复杂而充满压力的问题。这篇文章也适用于所有毒性关系中,照顾者与被照顾者的相处之道。以下是AgingCare.com的一篇文章,希望对相关人士有帮助。作者: Carol Bradley Bursack https://www.agingcare.com/articles/setting-boundaries-with-parents-who-are-abusive-142804.htm

题目:Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

以下为该文的部分翻译内容。

   AgingCare的看护者论坛的许多成员,讨论如何照顾那些虐待了自己一辈子的父母。老龄化,以及随之而来的问题,往往使这种虐待更加严重。老迈的父母可能不能再实施身体上的伤害,但失控有时会使他们的嘴成为更厉害的武器。
  然而,成年子女天然会爱自己的父母,甚至父母老化他们也想要照顾。我们内心里那个小孩很可能仍然希望得到父母的认可。当我们无法得到这样的认可,即使是成年人,仍然受伤害。如果你的童年艰难以及成年后和父母的关系仍然有麻烦,你怎么照顾虐待自己的父母,而不会再招致额外的伤害呢?尽管他们持续的批评和虐待,你怎么坚持?

看护中建立个人界限
  许多专业辅导师会建议“带着爱去分离”。分离是一种设置界限的办法,在与另一方的互动过程中,通过建立情感距离来保护自己。一旦放弃想控制虐待者行为的想法,你就不会让他们控制自己的情绪和行为。这样做很困难,需要实践,但分离对大多数人有效。
  当你承认自己无法控制或满足一个有毒的个体时,就不要再试着这么做了。相反,制造麻烦的人也会看到这些刺激对你没用了。带着爱去分离意味着你肯定了对这个人的爱,但是也清楚地表明,你将不再容忍被欺侮或不尊重的对待。

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