Westerners living in China are puzzled that why the Chinese do not say “thank you” to close friends. Western families have table discipline that family members say thanks to each other. In the contracts, Chinese families seldom say “thank you” among family members.
The Western culture is Christian culture. Christian culture considers that Human Nature is selfish and greedy, or the sin. Human has sinned naturally in the eyes of the West. In the west, Human is evil in essence. “Thank you” is a formal etiquette that admired other for their altruistic deed. “Thank you” is like saying “Hey, how can you do me the unselfish thing? That’s unnatural. You must have the grace of God!”.
The Chinese culture is Confucian culture. Confucian culture considers Human Nature is good and kind. If one is selfish and greedy, it is because he or she gets bad cultivation. Chinese society is built by altruistic relationships. Confucius emphasized the relationship between parents and children, between brothers and sisters, and extended these altruist family relations to the whole society. When C does B a favor, it is considered Natural. If B says “thank you”, C will consider that B is not taking C as a best friend. A best friend is just like a family member. They share their things together without distinguishing personal boundaries. A “thank you” marked a personal boundary. “Thank you” is used for a stranger, or new friends, or formal business transactions. If a friends say “thank you” to you in China, that means you are not one of their peer group yet.
The west used “thank you” very often to reflect Western individualism. Everyone has a boundary with others. China is a society without so much a personal boundary. Best friends are a collective entity, “thank you” will split the entity into two separate identities. It indicates a transaction between two entities.
The West exchanges gifts among family members at Christmas. This custom is ridiculous in the eyes of the Chinese. Chinese family shares the income and the property. A wife is supposed can use the money earned by her husband. You cannot send something to someone to whom she is entitled already. Exchange gifts or “thank you” will destroy the family. It splits the solid entity of a family into separate individual entities.
Chinese society is functioning based on altruism. Western society is functioning based on self-interest.
Western sociologists, regardless of Karl Marx or Max Weber, view society as having conflicts of interest. Taoism and Confucian view society as a harmonic whole.
The West may not understand why Xi would like to build a harmonic society. Harmonic society is the ideal of Confucian society. The West is fear that China becomes too strong, anticipating that China will be greedy and put national interest above the world as the West powers always do. They are using their mindset to speculate on Chinese behaviors.
Please think about why China doesn’t need “thank you” among familiar friends. Please welcome China rising. China will bring world peace and harmony.
Domestically, Xi is building a harmonic society. Internationally, Xi is building a community of shared futures for mankind. If you have doubt, ponder the puzzle of why the Chinese do not say “thank you” among best friends.
