5/26 星期二

最近工作很郁闷, 但目前的状况也只有忍耐. 每次和Dave吃午饭的时候都要抱怨, Dave说我现在就象个汽油桶, 他很怕不小心被炸飞, LOL. 上周末我的情绪很糟, unbelievably moody and anxious, didnt know why, or maybe there were too many things which bothering me. 我生气Kevin的msgs比以前少, Scott说, girls think too much, guys might never notice that, well, that makes sense somehow. 我一直忍着不发作, 因为不想吵架, 结果把脾气都发在Dave身上, 他建议我有什么说什么, if you guys cant communicate honestly, the relationship would never work. 于是, 周日晚上我忍无可忍, 打电话把Kevin叫了起来, 他很早就睡了, 因为第二天3点就要起床. 我说, we need more communication, talks; he asked, sending msgs is not enough? "No, its different, plus you sending much less msgs than before." I was trying to hold myself, but kinda tough. He was thinking for a while, "Really??? ohhhh... I am sorry..." I hate that when he makes that kinda cute innocent voice, do something before you say sorry!!! Well, I didnt say that, of cos, "Alright, i will get online." Kevin said. Then we started chatting, I was trying to make points, but realized its almost impossible to make an insensitive guy like Kevin to understand my feelings, sigh... "Why you dont wanna see me online?" "I already know what you look like." What???!!! "So I guess we dont have to see each other again, anyway we know what each other looks like." "Come on, dont be so silly, its different to see you in person, of cos I wanna see u."  Goddaman it, this kinda conversation driving me nuts. "Are you single cell creature???" I couldnt hold this question. Its such a simple logic, if you miss someone, you wanna see him/her, or talk with him/her more, right??? Or its just a logic for girls??? I dont know, maybe I should not push him to follow my ways, or maybe deep inside I dont really believe this could work out, and thats why I got so anxious for no reasons. I have commitment issue, it doesnt make me feel comfortable to commit 100% on one person, plus there is much distraction around. I am trying to convince myself that I should commit if I love someone, on the other hand, how can I be sure that I love someone enough to commit???

Well, no any conclusion for the first issue, he promised that he would try to send more msgs and get online more, and I said I would try to get used to his ways, fortunately we both took one step back before it turning out to be some big arguement. Then the conversation was getting better, I was talking about my job, friends, what happened in my life recently, he was talking about his future plan for career, that he is taking master course, I didnt know that before. I said he is a bit control freak, typical guy behavior; he said I pay a lot attention to details, typical girl way, but he likes me being very competitive, what he means is the night we playing darts together, I was so eager and trying hard to win. Well, my whole life is about competition, I have been trying hard to make myself more laid back and relaxing, not to care about win or lose, but I guess it doesnt work very well, there is something in my blood which I cant change. Our topics expanded, he insisted that I should give birth with the natural way, but I prefered to caesarean section... lol, seems there are lots of potential argument ahead. Once we started to talk, we couldnt stop, there were so many things to talk about, we both had strong opinions on things, even argument could be fun sometimes, it had never been boring. I remember one time we even talked about the big bang, how the universe has been formed, when is the end, and what fourth dimension supposed to be like... Kevin surprised and inspired me a lot, and I brought new stuff to him too, like Sudoku, lol, I beat him in that for sure, he is totally addicted to it now. Its getting late, we said goodbye a few times, but nobody turned the chat window off first, smiling, saying goodbye again... For a moment, I truly believe that Kevin means it when he says he loves me.