Two Words to Remember to Maximize Success and Satisfaction in Life: Control Impulses
I'd like to share with you an important yet infrequently discussed secret for success and satisfaction in life: It's putting the brakes on impulses. Think about it. Most of the troubles that people get themselves into include some variation on the theme of acting too quickly on impulses without adequate and careful thought. People get themselves into all sorts of trouble by eating too much, drinking too much, spending too much money (e.g., credit card and other debt), flirting with the wrong person (and perhaps going further than one should in this regard), saying things that they later regret (especially in anger) such as telling off a boss, a spouse, a boyfriend/girlfriend, an in-law, a neighbor, a close friend, a police officer. Think of the troubles that so many celebrities in the news get themselves into (e.g., Tiger Wood, Lawrence Taylor, Ben Roethlisberger, Jonathan Edwards, Elliott Spitzer, Jesse James, Lindsay Lohan). Much of these issues are closely related to impulse control management.
You may have heard of a famous research study conducted many years ago at a pre-school located at Stanford University. Children were given a choice between having one marshmallow now or two later. Those who were able to delay gratification by selecting the two later option were more likely to complete their education, have better jobs, stay married, and live healthier lives many years after the study than those who went for the one marshmallow option. Remarkable.
We live in a culture that is very id based. We want it all and we want it now. Why put off for later what you can have now? If it feels good then do it. You get the picture. But what this way of being in the world results in is lots of problems.
While we are quick to judge the behavior of celebrities, politicians, and others who we read about in the news it is easy to see why they get themselves into so much trouble with their impulses. For example, if you are someone who has unlimited financial resources, surrounded by "yes" men and women, and strangers fawn all over you, don't you think you might feel pretty entitled and feel like you can pretty much have whatever you want whenever you want it? Don't you think you might lose your moral and behavioral compass under these circumstances? Many of us might envy the fame and fortune enjoyed by those we read about in the news but we may not realize that their risk of having difficulty controling impulses can make what seems to be a fabulous life pretty miserable pretty fast.
Even for us regular folks, managing impulses is a constant battle in our society. I typically tell my college students at Santa Clara University that success in college (and in life) often depends on how well you learn to manage your impulses. So many of the top college students, for example, aren't necessarily the smartest students from an intellectual point of view. Rather, they are the ones who are disciplined enough to study, plan ahead, and say no to their impulses that encourage them to stay up late, drink and eat too much, do fun things rather than study, skip class, sleep in, put things off that they don't want to do until the last minute, and so forth. They are the two marshmallow people, not the one marshmallow folks.
Learning to control impulses isn't so easy in our culture and is getting a lot harder. Higher standards of living, technological advances, high expectations, the undo attention to the lives of the rich and famous, and so forth contribute to the problem. But if we focus on doing this right, are attentive to the benefits of counting to 10 before acting as well as attending to putting brakes on impulses, then we are likely to live a more successful, satisfying, and happier life. Doing the right thing for ourselves and others involves being countercultural letting our ego and superego override our id more often than not.
Saying no to impulses is very hard but likely will make you a better person as well as a more satisfied and successful person too. Plus, you are likely to become a person who others appreciate being around.
So, when given the option for (1) one marshmallow now or (2) two later, go for the second option.
