如果话说多了, 总有一句话很好笑

• If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.

• If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau

• If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.

• If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

• If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

• If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

• If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

• If anything can go wrong, it will.

• If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

• If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

• If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.

• If at first you don't succeed, cheat!

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

• If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.

• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

• If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.

• If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

• If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.

• If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.

• If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

• If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

• If at first you don't succeed, your successor will.

• If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

• If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.

• If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

• If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what is going on.

• If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.

• If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

• If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

• If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

• If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

• If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

• If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

• If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

• If it doesn't work, expand it.

• If it happens, it must be possible.

• If it is good, they will stop making it.

• If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.

• If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

• If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.

• If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

• If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.

• If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.

• If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

• If it works, don't fix it!

• If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport.

• If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

• If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

• If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.

• If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

• If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

• If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

• If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

• If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

• If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

• If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

• If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

• If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

• If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

• If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

• If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

• If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

• If there isn't a law, there will be.

• If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

• If things were left to chance, they would be better.

• If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

• If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

• If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

• If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.

• If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

• If you are coasting, you're going downhill.

• If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

• If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

• If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

• If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

• If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.

• If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

• If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman

• If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

• If you cannot fix it, feature it.

• If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!

• If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

• If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.

• If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

• If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

• If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

• If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

• If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

• If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.

• If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.

• If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

• If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

• If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

• If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

• If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

• If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

• If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

• If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

• If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

• If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

• If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

• If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

• If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

• If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.

• If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

• If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

• If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

• If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.

• If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

• If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

• If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.

• If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

• If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

• If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.

• If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

• If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

• If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

• If you understand it, it is obsolete.