【星空月夜花前授诗百首系列】:《我的理想主义爱情》

打印 被阅读次数

 

 


终稿:

 

【我的理想主义爱情】

 

        文/天朝玉

 

跟我走吧, 亲爱的
过简单的生活
蓝蓝的天 清澈的水
读不完的好书
种不完的菜地 


即使你一无所有
我也会嫁给你
只要我们有
爱, 微笑, 和阳光


以野花缤纷的山坡为床
和着风雨雷电亲吻
枕着白云做爱


然后
在你的怀里
老去

 


初稿:


【我的理想主义爱情】


跟我走吧, 亲爱的
去过简单的生活
蓝蓝的天 清澈的水
读不完的好书
种不完的菜地


即使你一无所有
我也会嫁给你
只要我们有
爱, 微笑, 和阳光


清风传来的松香
是朋友们的祝福
野花缤纷的山坡
是我们的床
和着雨夜的雷声
我们亲吻
怀着白云的柔情
我们做爱


我想用一生
探索你的灵魂
在你的身体里
寻找生命的根蒂 
从你爱的眼眸中
发现上帝的影子


然后
在你的怀里
老去

 

2015.11.25

 

 

诗歌评论修改建议笔记:


A:诗歌要写得精炼,不要啰嗦。现在没有人有时间读长诗了。
B:改得真好,谢谢!尤其喜欢“枕着白云做爱”,defy gravity。。。牛啊!
       那三个动词用得真好:以。。。为,和着,枕着
A:好的动词可以帮助精简句式
B:明白了,谢谢师傅!

 

 


————   雪莱:诗记录着最善良的心灵中最善良的瞬间 ————

 

 

 

 

 

登录后才可评论.
Logo

Looks like your ad blocker is on.

×

We rely on ads to keep creating quality content for you to enjoy for free.

Please support our site by disabling your ad blocker.

Continue without supporting us

Choose your Ad Blocker

  • Adblock Plus
  • Adblock
  • Adguard
  • Ad Remover
  • Brave
  • Ghostery
  • uBlock Origin
  • uBlock
  • UltraBlock
  • Other
  1. In the extension bar, click the AdBlock Plus icon
  2. Click the large blue toggle for this website
  3. Click refresh
  1. In the extension bar, click the AdBlock icon
  2. Under "Pause on this site" click "Always"
  1. In the extension bar, click on the Adguard icon
  2. Click on the large green toggle for this website
  1. In the extension bar, click on the Ad Remover icon
  2. Click "Disable on This Website"
  1. In the extension bar, click on the orange lion icon
  2. Click the toggle on the top right, shifting from "Up" to "Down"
  1. In the extension bar, click on the Ghostery icon
  2. Click the "Anti-Tracking" shield so it says "Off"
  3. Click the "Ad-Blocking" stop sign so it says "Off"
  4. Refresh the page
  1. In the extension bar, click on the uBlock Origin icon
  2. Click on the big, blue power button
  3. Refresh the page
  1. In the extension bar, click on the uBlock icon
  2. Click on the big, blue power button
  3. Refresh the page
  1. In the extension bar, click on the UltraBlock icon
  2. Check the "Disable UltraBlock" checkbox
  1. Please disable your Ad Blocker
  2. Disable any DNS blocking tools such as AdGuardDNS or NextDNS

If the prompt is still appearing, please disable any tools or services you are using that block internet ads (e.g. DNS Servers).

Logo