讽刺寓言 - 圣经的最新版本

最近有关微软公司创始人比尔.盖茨离婚的新闻被人热炒。比尔.盖茨是一个复杂的人,集多重人格于一身。他聪明,有商业天才,创立微软,在个人电脑和互联网上获得巨大成功,造福了社会。他这些年又做慈善,倡导环保,被看成一个有爱心的大慈善家。

而另一方面,他又被人揭发为好色之徒,在早年合伙人的回忆录中,他被描述成是个乘人之危、盘算着窃取朋友劳动果实和财富的阴险小人。

许多消费者和电脑工程师对微软也是厌恨不已,却又无可奈何。其原因一是微软公司不断变更版本,许多所谓版本升级,不过就是改换一下界面,加一点鸡毛蒜皮的所谓新功能,目的似乎并不在技术,而是在于逼用户购买新版本。这种套路后来被其他大公司效仿,成了行业圈钱的秘籍。

二是微软“发明”了一种证书退休制度。你历经艰辛,花时间金钱,考了它的证书之后,过几年该证书就“退休”(retirement)了。你又得再考新证书,再次证明你是微软认证的工程师。而考证并不是免费的。目的似乎也是为了圈钱。试想,假如你的大学毕业证书、博士证书、律师执照等等专业证书每过几年就“退休”了,必须重新考试获得资格,那不是要将你没完没了地折腾死?

君子爱财,亦当取之有道。奈何为一己之利而挖空心思,不惜折腾天下人?

二十多年前,笔者在波士顿的一份地铁小报上读到一篇英文讽刺寓言《最新的版本》(Latest Book),作者何人已不可考。

该文借圣经里摩西十戒的故事讽刺某世界知名电脑操作系统公司(似乎指的就是比尔.盖茨的微软公司),凭借市场垄断地位,不断改头换面,更新操作系统版本,折腾用户。新版本推出以后,过一段时间,便不再支持老版本,变相逼着用户去买新版本。

笔者试译原文如下。

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摩西去到山上。

上帝给了他刻在石碑上的十诫。碑上标明“版本1.0”。

“我是你们的上帝耶和华,你们不能信仰别的神。”

还有其他吩咐。

摩西感谢主,下山去了。

他将十诫给了他的人民。他们将它写进圣经里。他们开始使用这些戒律去规范他们的生活。起初有点困难,但很快事情就变得容易了。人们都很高兴。

上帝在摩西的梦中显灵。“我有一个新的,”他说,“版本1.1,它将使诫律更容易执行,并覆盖更多的是非问题。”他将新版本塞给了摩西。

摩西将新版本带给他的人民。他们从圣经原有戒律中抹去了几个字,在书边空白处新加上几个字。这虽有点麻烦,但它确实使戒律更容易执行。

有少数人没有修改他们的圣经。他们坚持用版本1.0。但很快,为了合群,他们也决定跟上。

几个月过去了,上帝又出现在摩西的梦中。“另一个新版本,”上帝说。

于是,摩西将版本1.2带给了他的人民。

更多的擦除,圣经空白处有了更多的涂鸦,但人们想要与时俱进。他们希望有最新的上帝旨意。至少大部分人是这样想的。

也有一些抱怨。“版本1.1还可以用,”有些人说。“我们不需要那些无关紧要的修饰。”

不久,版本1.3和1.4又在梦中传给了摩西,经书已变得有点乱了。人们已经不能记住他们应当遵守的诫律是哪个版本。

但上帝没有闲着。过了一段时间,他再次招摩西上山。他交给摩西新的、更大的碑文。

“诫律5.0,”他说。“你不能没有他们。”

“怎么回事?没有版本2、3和4?”摩西问。

“哦,这是迄…迄今为止,好…好得多的,”上帝说。“这是一个重大飞跃,用户友好型,许多新功能。”

“但它太大,”摩西说。“我们的圣经装它不下。”

“是时候该买新抄本了,”上帝说。“买更大、更好、有很多备用页面的抄本,我简直不能相信你们仍然在使用三年前的那些破烂的旧抄本。”

摩西望着巨大的石碑暗自叫苦。“我承认,这个新诫律5.0很好,”他说,“但是难道所有这些鸡毛蒜皮的调整和吹毛求疵的修改不会使人们更难分辨是非吗?在这世界上有谁会记得住这些规??则呢?”

“我是你们的上帝耶和华,”上帝说。“那些继续使用诫律版本1的人将不会从我这里得到任何支持。”

摩西从山上下来,命令他的人民去购买更大、更好、有很多备用页面的圣经抄本。

“为什么我们需要所有这些额外的空间?”有人问。

然而,当他们刚刚将诫律5.0复制到圣经中,上帝又给了摩西新版的5.1,然后5.2,然后5.3。很快,多余的页面满了,删除开始了。书边空白处满是涂鸦。人们开始就法律的定义争吵不休。几乎没有人能记住诫律版本5的所有功能。

三年过去了,摩西又一次被招唤到山上。超级诫律10.0。“它超越过去的一切,”上帝说。“它有一种功能可以用来对付你可能遇到的每一种是非情况。你不能没有它。”

“此外,不再继续向诫律5.0提供支持了,”上帝说。

“我们的经文抄本绝不可能装下它,”摩西抗议。

“去买新抄本,”上帝说。

于是摩西将硕大的新碑文搬运下山。当人们看到他来,都跑了,躲藏起来 – 只有几个诫律书呆子除外,他们得到了最新的上帝旨意。

“哇,”书呆子说。“七十三种方式保持神圣的安息日。二十七种方法偷邻居的妻子。四十五种方法... ...”

“买新抄本!”摩西指示道。

摩西和书呆子环顾四周,寻找藏起来的人。

“快点!”摩西大叫。“版本10.1即将到来。”

但人们溜走了,聚集在一个偏僻的地方。他们抛弃了圣经。他们弄来一张精制羊皮纸,在上面,他们写下了上帝旨意中适合他们需要的话:

“己所不欲... ...”

 

Latest Book

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Moses went up the mountain.

There God gave him Ten Commandments carved into stone tablets. The tablets were labeled "Version 1.0."

"I am the Lord thy God, thy shalt not have strange gods before thee."

And all the rest.

Moses thanked the Lord and went down the mountain.

He gave the Commandments to his people. They wrote the Commandments in their holy books. They began to use the Commandments to order their lives. It was difficult at first, but soon things were going swimmingly. The people were happy.

God came to Moses in a dream. "I have an update," he said. "Version 1.1. It will make the Commandments easier to follow. And cover more ethical questions." He whispered the update to Moses.

Moses gave the update to his people. They erased a few words of the older Commandments from their holy books, and wrote new words in the margins. It was a bit of a bother, but it did make the Commandments easier to follow.

A few people did not revise their holy books. They stuck with Version 1.0. But soon they decided to go along too, for the sake of conformity.

Months passed, and again God came to Moses in a dream. "Another update," said God.

And so Moses went to the people with Version 1.2.

More erasing, more scribbling in margins, but the people wanted to be up-to-date. They wanted to have the latest Godware. Most of them, at least.

There was some grumbling. "Version 1.1 was fine," some people said. "We don't need the bells and whistles."

Soon Versions 1.3 and 1.4 were spoken to Moses in dreams, and the holy books were becoming a bit of a mess. People could not remember which version of the Commandments they were supposed to be following.

But God had not been idle. After a decent time elapsed, he again called Moses to the mountain. He handed Moses new and bigger tablets.

"The Commandments5.0," he said. "You can't live without them."

"What happened to Versions 2, 3 and 4?" asked Moses.

"Oh, this is far, far better that that," said God. "This is a quantum leap forward. User friendly. Many new features."

"But it's too big," said Moses. "It won't fit into our holy books."

"Time to buy new holy books," said God. "Bigger, better holy books, with lots of spare pages. I can't believe you are still using those tattered old volumes from three years ago."

Moses looked at the big tablets and groaned. "I'm sure these new Commandments5.0 are fine," he said, "but don't all these situational refinements and hair-splitting distinctions make it harder to tell right from wrong? How in the world will the people keep the rules in mind?"

"I am the Lord thy God," said God. "Folks who continue using Commandments1 will get no support from me."

Moses went down from the mountain and ordered his people to buy bigger and better holy books, with lots of spare pages.

"Why do we need all that extra space?" the people asked.

But no sooner had they copied Commandments5.0 into the books than God gave Moses update 5.1. Then 5.2. Then 5.3. Soon the extra pages were filled and the erasing began. And the scribbling in margins. People began squabbling over the meaning of the laws. Almost no one could keep in mind all the features of Commandments5.

Three years passed and Moses got another call to the mountain. UltraCommandments10.0. "Makes everything else obsolete," said God. "A feature for every ethical situation you are likely to encounter. You can't live without it."

"And besides, no more support for Commandments5.0," said God.

"It will never fit in the holy books," protested Moses.

"New books," said God.

So Moses lugged the voluminous new tablets down the mountain, and when the people saw him coming, they ran and hid -- except for a few commandment nerds, who just had to have the latest Godware.

"Wow," said the nerds. "Seventy-three ways to keep holy the sabbath. Twenty-seven ways to covet thy neighbor's wife. Forty-five ways to…"

"New books!" commanded Moses.

Moses and the nerds cast about, looking for the people.

"Hurry!" shouted Moses. "Version 10.1 is coming soon."

But the people had slipped away and gathered in a remote place. They abandoned the holy books. They fetched a single fine piece of parchment, and on it they wrote the Godware that was appropriate to their needs:

"Do unto others…"

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