by Nicky and Sila Lee
Often times intimacy in marriage is lost due to many reasons. It is inevitable that we hurt our husband or wives in everyday marriage. The hurt can be unintentional, but it cause anger, retaliation or fear, resentment or guilt. If we try to bury the hurt and anger, we are emotionally disturbed with a lot of different symptoms.
How can intimacy be restored?
Identify the hurt
The first step is to identify the hurt. This encompasses (a) recognizing the ways in which you have caused your partner pain and hurt your marriage; (b) being prepared to tell your partner where you have been hurt .
Why should we do this? Because that is God's will. God told us "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger... Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgive you." Ephesians 4:31-32
"If your brother or sister sins against you, go and show them their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over."--- Mathew 18:15.
However, in expressing our hurt feelings, be careful, not to make general criticism or attack on our partner's character. For example:
"I felt hurt and rejected when you pulled away from me in bed the other night" is more helpful than "You never show me any physical affection."
"I felt unsupported and unappreciated when you didn't notice the hard work I put into decorating the house for Christmas", is much better than "You never show any gratitude for what I do."
"It upset me a lot when you went out to the pub the first night we got back from our honeymoon" is more helpful than " Your friends are more important to you than me."
Make apology
Matthew 5:23-24 " Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."
Making apology means we take our responsibility and that we resist the urge to rationalise what we did or to blame our partners. We need to see things more from the perspective of our partner, not that of ourselves. We need first to confess to God, since God will enable us to see the adverse effect of our actions.
Then making apology to each other. Love means often we have to say sorry to our partner. This will open the way for reconciliation and healing. To be effective, we have to show sympathy to our partner and say sorry from our heart without prescribing conditions or making excuses. Genuine unconditional apologies are powerful in marriage because we no longer need to be on the defensive, determined to get our own back, volleying hurt back and forth in a tit-for-tat battle. We are suddenly on the same side again. This allows the anger to be dissi
" If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."--- 1 John 1:9.
Forgive
If we were hurt, and our partner made apology to us, we need to forgive him/her. Forgiveness is one of the greatest power of healing in marriage.
Forgiveness is not demanding a person changes before we forgive him/her; it is not forgetting the hurt happened; nor it is pretending it doesn't matter. Forgiveness is facing the wrong done to us, recognizing the emotions inside, choosing not to hold it against our husband or wife, and releasing him/ her into God's hand.
Forgiveness deals with anger and resentment – although we might still feel hurt until healing is complete.
Forgiveness is a process – we often need to keep forgiving – sometimes on a daily basis.
My forgiveness may benefit my partner, but ultimately I'm the one who benefits by being free from the bondage of bitterness.
We must let go of our anger and the desire to retaliate even if our partner has not yet apologized to us – otherwise buried anger turns to hate.
We are to forgive out of the gratitude for the forgiveness we have received.
" Peter came to Jesus and asked: Lord, how many timed shall I forgive my brother or sister when they sin against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, ' I tell you, not seven times but seventy times seven`". ---- Mathew 18:21&22
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgive you." --- Colossians 3:13
C.S. Lewis wrote, "Forgiveness goes beyond human fairness; it is pardoning those things that can't readily be pardoned at all." When we forgive, we are laying down our right to justice and our desire for revenge. Then for what purpose we forgive? It is for the fact that forgiveness set us free!
Start again together
Thank God for showing us our mistakes and for his forgiveness.
Having gone through the process of identifying, apologizing and forgiving, cross out our lists of hurt as a sign that we have resolved them between us and our husband or wife.
Comfort each other – we make ourselves very vulnerable through this process and it is hard to listen to ways in which we have hurt each other.
We pray to each other- pray aloud or silently asking God to heal our partner of the hurt we have caused him or her.
This process is like a drain that carries away the hurt. Confession to God and those we hurt, together with forgiving those who have hurt us, must become a daily habit if intimacy is to be maintained. Otherwise the drain begins to block up with unresolved hurt and anger.
Last, but not the least, is the importance of taking the initiatives in identifying, apologising, the hurt to our partner. The party who feels being hurt should take the initiative to tell his/her partner the hurt, the bad feeling, while the other party should take the initiative to make apology. The responsibility is not solely on any one party. No one should wait for the other party to take the initiative. This indication is clear in Mathew 18:15 and 1 John 1:9 (see above).
Conclusion
If this process of resolving hurt and anger from the past is new to you, particularly if you have been married for sometime, you will need to proceed sensitively and gradually. Ask God to guide you so that you go at his pace. We make ourselves very vulnerable when we identify how we have been hurt. We will need to be gentle with each other so that our husband or wife knows that we empathise with their feelings. Where trust has been broken, it will take time for this to be restored. Do not expect the one who has been hurt to be able to forget and recover immediately.
As part of his description of love,
On some days the list will be longer than others, but every day there will be something on the page. If these are not faced and forgiven, the page will be turned and the list left intact. We then start to build up a backlog of resentment and bitterness. Even if we cannot remember the details of each list, the record of the offences remains and will in time become engraved on our relationship and quench our intimacy.
If we learn to forgive daily, it is like tearing off each page at the end of the day and throwing it away. We start each new day of our marriage with a clean sheet and no backlog. Neither of us will be on the attack or the defence. We shall then be acting in love, keeping no record of each other's wrongs.
Remember one important thing, forgiveness sets us free, and give us hope.
