Birthday struggle

It was a weird birthday. No party, no big meal, no craziness, no laugh, and no tears.

My best friend John asked me what I did for celebration. I said: "Actually nothing. I took half day off and had a walk in a small woods. Then I drove off to my favorite height to view the city in Fall colors while reviewing my 9 years in Toronto.  It's hard to believe I'm already 38, man!"

During the walk, lots of things went through my head and it was pretty much mixed up, as if many ropes tangled together. No matter how hard I try, I just couldn't clear up myself - maybe I didn't want to. Maybe.

Then I had to give up thinking about those things, such as career, love, family, business, life, belief and relationships. I could hardly convince myself which things I did right and which wrong. So I realized, at 38, I haven't really understood myself and I wasn't sure if I was on the right track on major things, such as family and relationships. Eventually, I focused all my thoughts on one topic - myself: what I have achieved, what I've learned, what I've become and who I would like to be.

I extended the thoughts to diner table carrying on the kind of mental or psycho struggle I went through during the day. I talked a lot (good thing is you get better listeners on your birthday so you can yada yada as much as you want), almost going through my whole life. And ... I felt better. Then I said to myself, I hope I always feel who I was last year was more stupid and unsophisticated than who I am this year.

I think that statement concluded my crazy mental struggle that day. Lights on or off? Dono.

Tomorrow, will be another day...

P.S. Inner peace, when I don't want to waste time and energy on parties and candles, is the best birthday gift I can possibily give to myself. Age changes everything. Definitely.