老外最精彩的一句话网络笑话ZT

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
9、Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help **iling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
12、Women might be able to fake orga**s. But men can fake a whole relati**hip.
13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
14、Men have two emoti**: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
18、If you think noｂｏｄｙ cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
29、Did you know that dolphins are so **art that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
32、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
36、Laugh at your problems, everyｂｏｄｙ else does.
37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
38、A clear c**cience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
40、He who **iles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
41、Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiari**. To steal from many is research.
45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
46、I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
47、Crowded elevators **ell different to midgets.
48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
49、Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
52、I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
53、The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
54、It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
57、There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
58、A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
60、My opini** may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
62、A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
63、Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
64、When in doubt, mumble.
65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
67、If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
70、Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
73、Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
74、Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
75、With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
76、I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
77、Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
78、You're never too old to learn something stupid.
79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
80、I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
85、Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
87、I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
88、I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
91、You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
96、Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
97、You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
98、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
99、When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
100、Remember, if you **oke after sex you're doing it too fast.

谷歌翻译：
1，我要求自行车上帝，但我知道，上帝没有这样的。所以我偷了一辆自行车，请求原谅。
2，我想死在我的安眠，像我的祖父..没有尖叫，就像他的车的乘客大喊大叫。
3，不要和白痴争论。他会拖你到他的水平和经验击败你。
4，我最想要做的就是伤害你。但是，它仍然在名单上。
5，如果性别是在屁股痛，那么你就错了...
6，早起的鸟儿可能会蠕虫，但第二个老鼠吃到奶酪。
7，我们生活在一个社会里比萨得到你家在警察。
8，经性别就像打桥牌。如果你没有一个好的合作伙伴，你最好有一个良好的手。
9，有些人喜欢Slinkies ...没有真正的好东西，但你不能帮助** iling当你看到一个向下的楼梯跌倒。
10，政治家和尿布，都有一个共同的东西。他们都应该定期更换，并为同样的原因。
11，战争不会决定谁是正确的 - 只留下谁。
12，妇女也许能假奥尔加第**但是，男人可以伪造一个整体雷拉蒂**臀部。
13，我们从来没有真正长大了，我们只能学习如何在公众的行为。
14，男人有两个emoti **：饥饿和角质。如果你没有看到他的勃起，使他成为一个三明治。
15，光比声音传播得更快。这就是为什么有些人会出现明亮，直到你听到他们说话。
16，我母亲叫我从来没有看到一个儿子的- 1 -母狗的讽刺。
17，我想我想要的职业生涯，原来我只是想薪水。
18，如果你觉得没有人关心，如果你活着，请尝试错过付款夫妇。
19，性别不是问题的答案。性别是问题。 “是”就是答案。
20日，晚报是他们开始'晚上好'，然后开始告诉你为什么它不是。
21，怎么一个不小心比赛就可以开始一个森林火灾，但它需要整个框，开始篝火？
22，如果4 5人患有腹泻...这是否意味着一个人享受呢？
23，知识是知道西红柿是水果，智慧，不是把它在一个水果沙拉。
24，如果上帝在看着我们，我们至少可以做的是将娱乐性。
25，不要在任何情况下，采取安眠药，并在同一个晚上泻药。
26，我没有打我的方式向食物链的顶端是一个素食主义者
27日，巴士站就是一个公共汽车站。阿火车站一列火车停在那里。我的桌子上，我有一个工作站.. 28，如果我同意你，我们会都是错的。
29，你知道，海豚是如此**的艺术，在几个星期的囚禁，他们可以培养人们站在水池的边缘，把它们的鱼？
30，计算机下棋，赢了我一次，但它不适合我在拳击比赛。
31，我看到一个女人穿着绒衣与“猜测”它...所以我说：“种植？”
32，儿童：您花了自己一生的最初两年，教他们走路和说话。然后，你在未来的16年告诉他们坐下来和关闭行动。
33，为什么有人相信你当你说有4亿颗恒星，但是检查时，你说的油漆是湿的？
34，最好是保持沉默，被认为是傻瓜，除了发言，并删除所有疑问。
35，银行是一个地方，会借钱给你，如果你能证明你不需要它。
36，在笑你的问题，大家都知道。
37，在我脑海中的声音可能不是真实的，但他们有一些很好的想法！
38，一个明显的ç **新增5Y科学往往是记忆不好的迹象。
39，好女孩是永远不会让她的老公不好的女孩。
40，他在危机中谁**尔斯发现有人责怪。
41岁的妇女将永远不会平等，男人，直到他们能走下来一个光头街上的啤酒肠，仍然认为自己是性感。
42，胫骨是找到在黑屋子里的家具设备。
43，最主要的原因是如此快乐的圣诞老人，因为他知道，所有的坏女人生活。
44，要偷一个人的想法是从plagiari **.为了窃取许多是研究工作。
45，部分原因幸福无论身在何处。其他每当他们去。
46，我发现我尖叫同样的方式，我是否要由一个巨大的白鲨或吞噬了我的脚触及一块海藻。
47，拥挤的电梯**得寸进尺不同侏儒。
48，我并没有说这是你的错，我说我要责备你。
49，每当我填写的部分，上面写着：“如果是紧急情况，通知申请：”我把“医生”。什么是我的母亲怎么办？
50，上帝必须爱愚蠢的人。他这么多。
每一个成功的男人背后，51，是他的女人。背后的一个成功的男人通常是属于另一个女人。
52，我总是随身携带的盐粮的生活，...再加上柠檬片，...和一杆的龙舌兰酒。
53，一个孩子的中间名的唯一目的，是让他可以告诉他时，真的遇到了麻烦。
54，这不是下降，杀死你，它是在最后突然停止。
55，人工智能自然是没有愚蠢的比赛。
56，不要戴眼镜的男子袭击。用棒球棒击中他。
57，有一个持有人之间的拥抱和一线下来让他们无法脱身。
58，便宜的东西是你不需要的价格你无法抗拒。
59，千万不要与人打架丑陋的，他们没有什么可输的。
60，我的opini **可能已经变了，但事实上，我是对的。
61，我的心理医生告诉我，我疯了，我说我想要第二个意见。他说，好吧，你太丑陋。
62，一个小男孩问他爸爸：“爸爸，需要多少成本才能结婚呢？”父亲回答说，“我不知道，我现在还在交钱。”
63，有人说：“如果你不能打败他们，加入他们”。我说：“如果你不能打败他们，打败他们”，因为他们将期待您加入他们的行列，所以你将会有惊奇的元素。
64，如果有疑问，小声嘀咕。
65，我打算永远活着。到目前为止，一切顺利。
66，招待费：使你的客人感到在家里很喜欢他们，即使你想他们。
67，如果你在第一次没有成功，跳伞是不是你！
68，电视可以侮辱你的智慧，但没有像电脑中揉它。
69，知识就是力量，而权力腐败。所以，学习勤奋刻苦，成为邪恶。
70，金钱不能买到幸福，但它肯定使苦难更容易生活在一起。
71，总是从一个悲观主义者借的钱。不能指望他会回来。
72，担心工作！ 90％的事情，我担心不会发生。
73，贞操像soapbubble是，一刺，这是消失了。
74，怀旧已经不是它曾经是。
75，如果有足够的推力，猪飞得很好。
76，我应该早就知道这是行不通的，我的前妻和我出去。毕竟，我是天秤座，她是个婊子。
77，霍尔马克卡片：“我没有你这么惨，它的。几乎就像你还在这里”
78，你永远到老学到老一些愚蠢的事。
79，阿外交官是谁的人可以告诉你走在这样一种方式，你会期待着前往地狱。
80，我来这边之一，真正的大家伙时，他说：“我要与你的脸拖在地上。”我说：“你会后悔的。”他说：“哦，是吗？为什么？”我说：“嗯，你将无法进入的角落变得非常好。”
81，有些人听到的声音..一些人认为..隐形人其他人没有任何想象力。
82，我喜欢的工作。它吸引了我。我坐下来看看它几个小时。
83，我们有足够的枪支管制。我们需要的是白痴控制。
84，妇女不得冲击更严重，但他们打低。
85，只要记住...如果世界不吸，我们就全部脱落。
86，耶稣爱你，但是其他人认为你是一个混蛋。
87，我曾经是举棋不定。现在我不知道。
88，我不相信任何事情，为5天，不出血死亡。
89，如果你牢牢地掌握你的脚在地上，你将有麻烦把你的裤子。
90，要确保准确命中目标，射击第一，并呼吁不管你击中目标。
91，你是这么好的朋友，如果我们在沉船在一起，只有一个救生衣...我会想念你堆和经常想起你。
92，去教堂不会使你比任何一个基督徒在车库里站在更使你的汽车。
93，变化是不可避免的，除了从自动售货机。
94，如果你都应该学习你的错误，为什么有些人有一个以上的孩子。
95，巴士只是一种工具，运行速度的两倍时，你是后，当您在上面。
96，谁创造了“安静如鼠”从来没有在一个阶梯。
97，你不需要一个降落伞跳伞。你只需要一个降落伞跳伞两次。
98，温度计之间的口头和直肠体温计的区别在于味道。
99，当你想以牙还牙，请记住，消防处通常使用的水。
100，请记住，如果你**奥凯性交后你做太快。