1 好消息
Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train's engine fell silent.
"I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced.
"The bad news is we lost power." My fellow passengers groaned.
"The good news," he added, “is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet.”
在纽约至华盛顿的半路上，火车的引擎突然没声儿了。
“我有好消息和坏消息宣布，”列车长通过广播说。
“坏消息是我们失去动力了，” 同车的乘客们不禁抱怨了起来。
“至于好消息”，他补充说，“是我们没有在3万英尺上巡航”。
2 你纳税了吗
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.At one point the auditor exclaimed,"Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.
As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile".
"Thank goodness" returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
一个神色紧张的纳税人正闷闷不乐地和前来查帐的国税局的税务审计员交谈。审计员一度大声地说，“Carelton先生，我们认为能在美国生活和工作是莫大的荣幸，而作为一个美国公民，您也有纳税的义务。我们希望您能无比乐意地带着微笑来纳税。”
“谢天谢地”，Carelton先生咧着嘴大笑地回答，“我还以为你们是要我带着钱来交税呢！”
3 酒后驾车
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a rowdy bar to anticipate possible DUI violations.At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him and turned on his light and pulled the driver over, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The test results showed a reading of 0.00.The puzzled officer demanded to know how could that be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
一天深夜，一名警察去一个经常有人闹事的酒吧门口巡逻，为了避免有酒后驾车的情况发生。酒吧打烊了，他看见一个家伙跌跌撞撞的跑出来，一下摔在路边，随后又用钥匙试着开了五辆车的门才找到他自己的车。坐进车里，好几分钟他又都是在摸着那些钥匙。这时人们都从酒吧出来并且开车走了。最后他也发动了车子准备开走，警察已经等这个机会很久了，他打开灯，把司机从车里拉出来，给他宣读了他所享有的法定权利，然后作了酒精的测试。测试的结果是零，于是困惑的警察问他是为什么，司机说：“今晚他们派我当诱饵。”
4 交通事故
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ...hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him.
He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'
有个人开车行驶在上班的路上，一辆卡车闯红灯从侧面撞上了他的车，当时他就不省人事了。路旁的行人把他从车里拉出来并唤醒他。刚一醒过来，他就拼命的挣扎着，最后不得不用了药物才让他镇静下来。过了一会儿，他平静了，别人问他为什么要这么恐怖的挣扎，他说：“被撞之后我就什么都不知道了，当我醒过来，我发现我躺在了路边，前面是一个巨大的广告牌上面闪烁着‘壳牌’，但是有个人挡住了那个S。”
(“壳牌”去掉S后变成“地狱”.)
5 机长的录音
This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew. I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you. That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.
这是你们机长的声音。请允许我代表全体工作人员，欢迎你们乘坐英国航空公司602号航班从纽约飞往伦敦。我们此时在大西洋上空35,000英尺的高度。如果你从飞机的右边向窗外看去，你将会发现右侧的两个引擎都已经起火。如果你从左边往外看，你就会看到那边的机翼已经脱落了。如果你俯视下面的大西洋，那么你会看到一艘黄色的救生筏，上面有三个人正在朝你挥手。那是我、副驾驶员还有我们的一名女乘务员。这是一段录音。
6 相亲
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River"
一个小伙子被安排去相亲，为了能给女孩留一个好印象，他带着她去了家收费昂贵的餐厅。服务生过来问他们要点些什么菜。女孩开始点菜了，她几乎点了菜单上所有的东西，鸡尾虾、派、凯撒沙拉、龙虾、柳橙可丽饼，完全不考虑价格。小伙子变得很不安，他真没想到女孩竟然会点这么多菜。这时她停下了，看着坐在对面的他，问，“你认为咱们该喝什么酒水配这些菜呢？”
“哦，亲爱的，我觉得没有什么东西比密西西比河更合适了。”
